BESTIE

Dear Readalot,

I've had people send me letters of utter displeasure at my long silence. Some of you have threatened to kidnap my brother and sell him to the highest bidder. Please, go ahead.

On a serious note though, please come and carry him.

I had been wondering what would be a good way to end this long hiatus. Then my mother happened.

Hoodies and Cookies

Dear Readalot,

Thank you for crying with me. All is well. Now, I'd like to make you smile with me again. Or at least, try.

***

I have been wondering if there are sins that God generally considers harmless. I mean the kind of stuff he would put in the not-really-a-sin department. You remember how Robin Hood would steal from rich people and give to the poor people? Nothing so dramatic.

A Nollywood Christmas

Dear Readalot,

It's either you had a really merry Christmas with fried rice, chicken and coca-cola. Or you spent the day watching Africa Magic with your mum and drinking garri and groundnut, because no one in your family could be bothered to cook.

Mandela...and others

Dear Readalot,


I'm not even sure when last I wrote you. I apologize. Small. Because you didn't ask of me.

Lagos, being Lagos, plenty has happened. Many, I have forgotten. Many, I don't care about. As you might have guessed, this will be one of those rant-about-pretty-much-anything days.

The Adventures Of A Fresh Babe

Dear Readalot,

So, I went to the dental clinic today. It was a visit that should have happened long ago because I needed to go fix something in one of my teeth.

I was apprehensive as heck. I don't like hospitals or the smell of them. Never have. Never will. Fortunately for me, a very nice student doctor was assigned to me. This is a big deal because, anytime a mean person attends to me in a hospital, I feel emotionally violated. 'Sick' people ought to be pampered. Spoiled. Doted on.

Which Daddy?

My mum has always been very very energetic. As far back as I can remember, she would wake up like 5am every other morning and exercise. I guess I used to enjoy watching her because I figured that if I watched her, I was automatically exercising too. Or something stupid like that.

Bayonsi

Dear Readalot,

I figured I should tell you a couple more tales before the month runs out.

Roi Boi

Dear Readalot,

I'm here silently praying you don't find another internet lover to replace me. Because I'm not committed or dedicated. :)

A lo has happened. Too much, actually. So today is rant-about-whatever day.

Motor Car

Dear Readalot,


Once upon a time, my mum sent me and my sister to the bank. Luckily, the bank is a short walk from the house. So we walked to the bank. We stood in line and waited our turn.

About 5 minutes after we got there, one of the bank security guards came in and asked for the owner of some car to go repark. I think it was a Benz. Can't remember. Anyway, I looked at my sis and said;

Ojuju Calabar

Dear Readalot,

As a kid, I didn't lie much. I can't say how many times I must have heard - "All liars go to hell." From Sunday school teachers. From my parents. From society. And what kid isn't scared of hell? I was. Other times, they would scare us with - "Ojuju Calabar will catch you." I will never forgive whoever came up with 'Ojuju Calabar'. Robbed me of my childhood.

Kenya West

Dear Readalot,

Just this morning, my sis and I were eating breakfast and watching E! A couple of funny 'Aboki' men were cutting the grass in our backyard. They had been joking around with us since they got to the house. They even asked to cook rice and stew for them..

Suddenly we heard a loud noise from out back. We rushed to the back to find out what happened. My sister asked them;

Happy Feelings!

Dear Readalot,

Today, my sister and I went to Computer Village. For those that live outside Lagos - No, this is not a village where Computers live. It is like an electronics market. I guess u could say computers live there.

Anyways, we went to Computer Village.  I went to ask about my phone which has been bad for a few weeks now. My sis took me to this guy's shop. He was very soft-spoken. He let me sit in his chair and touch his computer. He let me talk on and on and use his phone charger. He even gave me a battery for my phone. For free. He said he didn't need it anymore. Funny thing is we didn't even buy anything from him. Great guy.

I asked him if he would marry me.

Hug Transformer!

Dear Readalot,

I have failed you in a way. I haven't posted anything for over a month. I have an excuse. A good one. What happened was...

I had this conference in Dubai and we were stuck on the plane for like 2 weeks because the door wouldn't open. The pilot started to rap. Then one of the air-hostesses joined with the chorus. 

LMOL!!!

Dear Readalot,


I went to Ikeja yesterday. On my way back, some guy stepped up to me and my friend.

GUY: You want to braid your hair?
ME: Nope
GUY: I'll do it well na.
ME: I'm ok. Don't worry.
GUY: What about pink lips? Come and do pink lips.
ME: *eyebrow raised* you say what?
GUY: Pink lips. Very fine. Let me show you picture.
MY FRIEND: I already have pink lips.
GUY: This one you'll have pink lips forever.

Wad Up Dearie?

Dear Readalot,

It's been a little longer than a while. I've missed you and the vain side of me hopes you have missed me too and that you've lost sleep waiting for me. Forgive my vanity, I'm working on it.

So many interesting things have happened these past few weeks. I can remember some of them, I have forgotten most. The one most vivid in my mind at the moment is my experience at Darey's concert, Love Like A Movie.

The Pursuit Of Happyness

Dear Readalot,

Happiness is a beautiful thing. Sometimes you have to chase it. Most times. Other times it is given to you as a gift from God.

I will be dumping a lot of random rants in this post. :)

A few weeks ago, My brother, Yellalot, (refer to post *Trade By Barter*) and his wife had a little baby girl. I call her my lil' bit of heaven. I love her deeply. Thing is, she came with a lotta drama.

Talent Hunters

Dear Readalot,

There's probably something you think you're really good at. A talent. A talent is something you know how to do very well. It's also something you enjoy doing and probably will do for free. (Please don't check Webster's dictionary to confirm my definition. You will be disappointed.)

I'm Not Doing...

Dear Readalot,

I'm not sure if I have issues or if it's everyone else.

I told you in my last post that my mum tried for years to matchmake her children to no avail. I also mentioned she gave up after a while. Well, I was wrong. She didn't give up. She passed the responsibility of matchmaking to her sister, my aunt. I'm not self-centered or anything, so this story is not about me.

Aunty Shola

Dear Readalot,


As far back as I can remember, my mum has been a strong woman. So strong, she can literally carry the world on her shoulders. She can shift mountains. Take on king kong etc... She just never does any of these because she doesn't want paparazzi to invade her family's privacy and everything.

Pishaun

Dear Readalot,

I've been in the States for close to four months now. Four months without NEPA. Without MTN. Without POTHOLES. Without GEJ. What else could anyone possibly ask for? Not much. My mum told me not to come back home as there has been peace at home since I left. I asked her who I should give the shoes I was planning to bring back to her. She changed her mind and said I can return for about 2 days with her shoes- and then leave again. Motherly love? Anyways, since I got here, most of the things I used to worry about, I haven't worried about in a while. I have even escaped insult. My brother still tells me regularly that I'm adopted, but now, he only does it on twitter.