Monday, September 30, 2013

The Adventures Of A Fresh Babe

Dear Readalot,

So, I went to the dental clinic today. It was a visit that should have happened long ago because I needed to go fix something in one of my teeth.

I was apprehensive as heck. I don't like hospitals or the smell of them. Never have. Never will. Fortunately for me, a very nice student doctor was assigned to me. This is a big deal because, anytime a mean person attends to me in a hospital, I feel emotionally violated. 'Sick' people ought to be pampered. Spoiled. Doted on.
Like I said, I had a very nice doctor. A very nice male doctor. I prefer it when guys handle my hair, my clothes, my money - and now, my teeth. Females can be very rude and mean sometimes. A lot of sometimes. Especially with other females. I'm not sure why this is. We just don't really like each other very much.

Anyways, this nice doctor guy made me sit on this weird looking chair-like thing and spoke to me kindly.

DOCTOR: How are you? Are you anxious?
ME: Yea.
ME: I don't like hospitals or clinics.
DOCTOR: Me that I'm a doctor...what will I now say?
ME: I don't know what you were thinking.

Along the line, I noticed that this doctor guy had very, very nice eyebrows. Sometimes he would be talking to me and I would be gazing at his brows, wondering if he got them shaped or if they were natural. Probably wishing they were mine.

He asked me a couple of routine questions. Very soft. Very kind-like. Once, I almost told him he had nice eyebrows. But, I didn't want him to think I was coming on to him so I wouldn't have to pay for treatment. So I held back, like a good Christian girl.

After a while he was ready to examine my teeth. I asked;

ME: Can I listen to music?
DOCTOR: Music?
ME: Yea, it calms me.
DOCTOR: I can give you something better than music.
ME: Yea?
DOCTOR: Something that'll make you sleep.
ME: I don't want to sleep.
DOCTOR: So you better cooperate.

He told me to open my mouth wide and started to check my teeth. A couple of times, he went "WOW" or "Hmmm". One time he looked shocked and walked out. I sat there thinking he found lizards that could talk in my mouth. When he returned, I had to ask;

ME: What's going on? Is everything okay?
DOCTOR: Yes. Don't worry.

He pried my mouth open again. Probing. Invading.

DOCTOR: Wider.
ME: Ahhhh
DOCTOR: *laughs*

I wasn't sure if he was laughing at me or with me. But, I wasn't laughing. A few seconds later, he let me close my mouth.

ME: Should I be scared?
DOCTOR: Scared? No, its not a big deal. There's someone who would find this interesting.
ME: Oh?
DOCTOR: I think this is a Class 2.
ME: What?
DOCTOR: *smiles*
ME: Class 2 is like a big number though. You know, there's Class 1 and then, there's Class 2.
DOCTOR: Well, there's class 3, 4, 5 and 6.
ME: Oh?
DOCTOR: yea. Don't worry you're fresh.
ME: Huh?
DOCTOR: *smiles* You're fresh.

Some other female doctor came by and asked him what was up with the patient (me). Guy looked at her and said;

DOCTOR: She's a Class 2. Don't worry, she's fresh.

And then he smiled. Again. The smile was annoying and I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about, but, It's not wise to argue with your doctor. So, it was settled then and there. I'm fresh.

Many hours later, I was almost done. However, my doctor guy told me I'd have to come back 2 days later to finish up. I was a bit irritated, but I figured I couldn't do anything about it. So I thanked him and put out my hand for a handshake;

DOCTOR: Sorry, I don't shake ladies.

Usually when guys say that, it means they would rather hug you. I'm thinking - ok ok...he's been nice, I'll hug him. I leaned in for a hug, but he pulled back like I was the plague.

ME: What?
DOCTOR: My religion doesn't allow me touch ladies.
ME: But you've been touching my mouth since morning.
DOCTOR: Yea. That one is my duty.
ME: What?
DOCTOR: Is this new to you?
ME: No. It's just strange

I left.

On my way back home, I decided to hop a bus. I probably didn't live up to my Fresh reputation...but yo, I saved money. As I got to the bus, I saw there was only one seat left. I slid into it before I realised there was a problem. A big problem. Literally. Sitting next to me. Cute boy like that. But, yea, he was big. He had managed to sit on his seat and about three quarters of mine. I didn't want to get off the bus so I wouldn't embarrass him. I thought about asking him to lap me to save us both the trouble of squeezing into our seats. I didn't think he would like the idea very much though. So, I sat there. And endured. Like a good Christian girl.

As the bus driver drove, I remembered tomorrow is Independence day. I wondered if I had enough time to buy a bed sheet that was green and white. So I could wake up in the spirit of patriotism. I decided not to buy it though. I didn't really feel like there was anything to be proud of about naija, currently. Plus a green and white bed sheet would probably look stupid.


Well, Now I'm home. A hole is still in my tooth. For the next 2 days anyway. And Nigeria will be 53 tomorrow. I'll be saying a prayer for my Motherland. And my mother - because she's getting cake and cookies for tomorrow.

When she told me she was ordering cake and cookies for October 1, I had to ask;

ME: What's going on?
MUM: It's for Oct 1.
ME: Yea, what are we celebrating?
MUM: Don't you know anything? It's Independence Day.
ME: I know what day it is. I'm asking what we are celebrating.=
MUM: We're celebrating Jonathan, Patience and Okonjo for stealing our money.

She later said we were going to celebrate life and Nigeria. Sigh.

We should all take ten seconds and say a little prayer for Nigeria. It's our home. Regardless of who's ruling it. We should also say a prayer for the family and friends of the students that were killed by those crazy cowards. Ten seconds will be more than enough.

God bless Nigeria. And Nigerians. Happy Independence Day.

Yours truly, Rantalot.

PS: Don't forget, I'm fresh. 


  1. Heheehehehe!!! Thank God u back... ;) missed ur posts... Nice wan by d way, tho I dint crack a rib today sha, buh nice as always...


  2. Happy Independence Rantalot. Hope you wont forget to tell us in tow days time what the result from the doctor is.

  3. Yes ure fresh! Class 2 for the matter :p lol. Nice one, as always dearie! Err I'm coming for a piece of cake 2moro yo! :D 'Biola here ;)

  4. Funny as always

    To think u almost told the big dude to lap u is crazy


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