A Nollywood Christmas

Dear Readalot,

It's either you had a really merry Christmas with fried rice, chicken and coca-cola. Or you spent the day watching Africa Magic with your mum and drinking garri and groundnut, because no one in your family could be bothered to cook.

The Adventures Of A Fresh Babe

Dear Readalot,

So, I went to the dental clinic today. It was a visit that should have happened long ago because I needed to go fix something in one of my teeth.

I was apprehensive as heck. I don't like hospitals or the smell of them. Never have. Never will. Fortunately for me, a very nice student doctor was assigned to me. This is a big deal because, anytime a mean person attends to me in a hospital, I feel emotionally violated. 'Sick' people ought to be pampered. Spoiled. Doted on.

Which Daddy?

My mum has always been very very energetic. As far back as I can remember, she would wake up like 5am every other morning and exercise. I guess I used to enjoy watching her because I figured that if I watched her, I was automatically exercising too. Or something stupid like that.

Ebenezer Obey

Dear Readalot,

I had already started working on another post, but it bored me so I scratched it. Now, I have started on this one with absolutely no idea what I intend to write about.

I could start with the fact that I'm listening to some Ebenezer Obey. I find it kinda soothing.

Bayonsi

Dear Readalot,

I figured I should tell you a couple more tales before the month runs out.

Roi Boi

Dear Readalot,

I'm here silently praying you don't find another internet lover to replace me. Because I'm not committed or dedicated. :)

A lo has happened. Too much, actually. So today is rant-about-whatever day.

Ojuju Calabar

Dear Readalot,

As a kid, I didn't lie much. I can't say how many times I must have heard - "All liars go to hell." From Sunday school teachers. From my parents. From society. And what kid isn't scared of hell? I was. Other times, they would scare us with - "Ojuju Calabar will catch you." I will never forgive whoever came up with 'Ojuju Calabar'. Robbed me of my childhood.

Kenya West

Dear Readalot,

Just this morning, my sis and I were eating breakfast and watching E! A couple of funny 'Aboki' men were cutting the grass in our backyard. They had been joking around with us since they got to the house. They even asked to cook rice and stew for them..

Suddenly we heard a loud noise from out back. We rushed to the back to find out what happened. My sister asked them;

Happy Feelings!

Dear Readalot,

Today, my sister and I went to Computer Village. For those that live outside Lagos - No, this is not a village where Computers live. It is like an electronics market. I guess u could say computers live there.

Anyways, we went to Computer Village.  I went to ask about my phone which has been bad for a few weeks now. My sis took me to this guy's shop. He was very soft-spoken. He let me sit in his chair and touch his computer. He let me talk on and on and use his phone charger. He even gave me a battery for my phone. For free. He said he didn't need it anymore. Funny thing is we didn't even buy anything from him. Great guy.

I asked him if he would marry me.

Hug Transformer!

Dear Readalot,

I have failed you in a way. I haven't posted anything for over a month. I have an excuse. A good one. What happened was...

I had this conference in Dubai and we were stuck on the plane for like 2 weeks because the door wouldn't open. The pilot started to rap. Then one of the air-hostesses joined with the chorus. 

The Pursuit Of Happyness

Dear Readalot,

Happiness is a beautiful thing. Sometimes you have to chase it. Most times. Other times it is given to you as a gift from God.

I will be dumping a lot of random rants in this post. :)

A few weeks ago, My brother, Yellalot, (refer to post *Trade By Barter*) and his wife had a little baby girl. I call her my lil' bit of heaven. I love her deeply. Thing is, she came with a lotta drama.

Aunty Shola

Dear Readalot,


As far back as I can remember, my mum has been a strong woman. So strong, she can literally carry the world on her shoulders. She can shift mountains. Take on king kong etc... She just never does any of these because she doesn't want paparazzi to invade her family's privacy and everything.

Pishaun

Dear Readalot,

I've been in the States for close to four months now. Four months without NEPA. Without MTN. Without POTHOLES. Without GEJ. What else could anyone possibly ask for? Not much. My mum told me not to come back home as there has been peace at home since I left. I asked her who I should give the shoes I was planning to bring back to her. She changed her mind and said I can return for about 2 days with her shoes- and then leave again. Motherly love? Anyways, since I got here, most of the things I used to worry about, I haven't worried about in a while. I have even escaped insult. My brother still tells me regularly that I'm adopted, but now, he only does it on twitter.

Poor and Famous

Dear Readalot


Fame is one those things that a lot of people wanna attain. People want to walk on the streets and be  acknowledged. "I know that guy na." When you're famous, people want to associate with you more. They want other people to know that they know you.

I #Poko You

Dear Readalot,

I love you. Kinna. Maybe. Ugh!! I don't know. Let me think about it.
_________________________________

Eve

Dear Readalot,


Girls are not very likable. They seem to have the incredible ability to be disliked. If you like a girl, it's either she's pretending or she has jazzed you. Most likely.

Boys don't like girls. Girls don't like girls.

Mortal Kombat

Dear Readalot,

I'd like to tell a tale of warriors...

______________________________


Vexalot tears his shirt and beats his chest like a chimpanzee. He runs around with his eyes wide. He's unbelievably angry. He points at the piece of scum in front of him;

The Baby Conspiracy

Dear Readalot,

Babies are cute right? :) Beautiful cuddly wide-eyed bundles of lovely cuteness, innit??

No. Inni not nit anything!

World Wonders

Dear Readalot,

There are things that I think about sometimes. Things that amaze me. Or just plain confuse me. We all have our "Moments Of wonder". However, these are mine.

Toy Gun.

Dear Readalot,

I’m going to tell you a story about thieves. The story does not belong to me. It belongs to a member of my family. No, he was not the thief. *Pause* Well, I’m not counting the one time he took my chocolate. (-_-)

…………………..

Onie fateful day, Calmalot, my brother, was home alone and he was starving. Note: He’s always starving. Anyways, he was starving and decided to boil some rice to survive. I need to point out here that Calmalot is the most horrible cook I have ever seen in the universe.

He was in the kitchen, putting all the wrong ingredients in the pot of rice. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. He reluctantly left his Harry Potter potion and went to answer the door. He asked who was at the door, the woman that lived in the flat downstairs answered that it was her.

Calmalot unlocked the door and pulled it open. Three men pushed the woman inside and entered as well, closing the door behind them. Hungry, young Calmalot was stunned for a long minute. One of the guys pushed his face and said – “We’re armed robbers.”



…………………..
#Pause

I, personally, find this very weird. Since when did armed robbers start introducing themselves? And what do you say to that? “Nice to meet you”? O_o.

I don’t think a vampire would show at your place and go – “What’s up, I’m a vampire.” Maybe Nigerian vampires, since Nigerians like to show-off about the dumbest things.
“My headlight get swag pass your headlight! Reeeespekt! ” (-_-)
#Play
…………………..

“We’re armed robbers.” One of the three guys said. Calmalot looked at them like, ‘Okay, so what can I do for you?’. Well that’s what he said he did. He’s also said he’s cuter than me. He might have been lying again.

Anyway, the thief brought out a gun from his pocket and pointed it in Calmalot’s face. Calmalot looked at the guy holding the gun incredulously and said, “This is toy gun na.”

………………….
#Pause

You’re thinking now that I’m making this up. I thought the same for a bit. The thing, however, is that the woman (the neighbour from downstairs who I’m still planning bad thing for, because I don’t know how you will bring tiff to my house) confirmed this story.

#Play
………………….

“This is toy gun na.” He said.

The gun-guy looked at Calmalot like he had lost his mind. Unfortunately, he really HAD lost his mind. Gun-guy recovered from the shock and told my brother and the woman from downstairs to lie on the floor. Calmalot told me that at this point, what he was really thinking about was how hungry he was and the potion he had left on the cooker. *sigh*

They asked him to stand up and take them to his mum’s room. On their way there, they went by my room. I happened to be in school at the time. My room was locked though. Unnecessarily so, as the most expensive thing there was probably the mattress.

They went to the mother’s room, found it locked. They kicked it open. They ransacked the entire room. Tore the whole place apart. Turned the bed upside down. Her cloths were thrown all over the place. After ransacking everything, the only thing they could find was this cute red phone that I had been ogling for ages.

………………….
#Pause

The red phone. This phone was a beautiful, red, sleek, useless phone. Very useless phone. The biggest deal about this phone was that it could make and take calls. But it was a sezzy lirru tin. My mum had other phones she was using so it was mostly decoration. I begged her, but she wouldn’t give it to me. I swallowed my pride and kept begging, all to no avail.

The thieves took the phone. (I won’t say my head caught somebody, but my head sha did something -_-)

#Play
………………….

When they had finished vexing that all their hard work didn’t count for much, they were going to leave the house in anger and my mum’s room, a complete mess. Calmalot looked at them as they were stepping out of the room – “So now you’ve scattered the whole room and you didn’t even take anything, you people should better arrange the room.”
WHAT?!?!

 If I was the thief, I would have shot his foot, at least. And that’s if I was a gentle thief. Thank God I was at school. If I had experienced that, it would have totally injured me mentally. Also, it would have been me who had to fix mumcee's room afterwards ( ˘˘̯)

So, they locked Calmalot and the woman in the bathroom before they left. I guess we can say there was a bright side to this. He didn’t eat the rice. Therefore, he lived.


P.S: I think it was a toy gun.


Yours truly, Rantalot