Friday, January 4, 2013

I'm Not Doing...

Dear Readalot,

I'm not sure if I have issues or if it's everyone else.

I told you in my last post that my mum tried for years to matchmake her children to no avail. I also mentioned she gave up after a while. Well, I was wrong. She didn't give up. She passed the responsibility of matchmaking to her sister, my aunt. I'm not self-centered or anything, so this story is not about me.

For a few days now, my brother, Wozealot, has been telling me how his aunt, who is also, technically my aunt (I'm still not talking about myself) has been plotting his marital life. She apparently has a friend with a gorgeous daughter (hearsay - I need to see it for myself) who she wants him to - get this - MARRY. Not date. Marry.

Thing is, I have several problems with this. I'll take you through them slowly. Please don't judge me...

* Not like my opinion counts or anything, but I AM his sister, and I reserve the right to decide who he marries. (yes, read it again. that's what I said)

* My brother and I already had a discussion about his wedding. All the girls that are applying for the position have to go through me. Apllication forms go for 50k (regular), 500k (VIP), 1million (VVIP). Of course I'll give unnecessary, extra, attention to the VVIP.

* My brother is crazy. I'm not kidding. I would never do that to you. My brother is very, very crazy and I  need to look out for whoever's going to end up as his wife. If I don't, she's going to end up hating me in the long run for not warning her.

* I'm having a hard time wondering why on earth people are still arranging marriages. I know that I could be wrong, but I could have sworn we were in the 21st century. Like I said, I might be wrong. I spoke to my mum about the whole 21st century thing and her best answer for her little baby girl - yes, that would be me - was "People can meet through any medium." Don't let it surprise you. My mum answers questions in mysterious ways.
I just asked her to forward something to me from her laptop and her respone was "I use BB now." Very deep response mother. Thank you.

* Now, the reason why I'm not sure if I'm the one with the issues or everyone else is this - My very crazy brother seems to be enjoying this whole saga. How do I know? Well, I sent him a message - "Happy married life in advance" and he goes "Thank you :)". Plus, he has gone to visit his future mother-in-law. A bit too much?

I don't think I'd like it much if a guy saw me some place, or heard of me and then went to my mother. To gaan do what? To gaan say what? - Not that this is about me but this post won't be complete if I don't mention that I do feel betrayed.  There's no application fees for me. None. I refuse to be a bridesmaid if I don't get to pick the wedding dress.

And the venue.

And the band.


And the bride.

In other news, A Chevron POS machine happened to take money from my card without my permission, so I am making a public appeal. If you know the manager of Chevron - American Chevron oh -  please tell him I know people that know people that know other people that know Obama. Seeing him on TV counts no?

And talking about fuel stations, My friend just asked if I'm still in Texaco, as opposed to Texas. I said I was in Chevron. Nice, no? I'ma be back in my fatherland sooooon. Going back to Lagos in a couple of days and err...yeah.

Seems this whole marriage thing is not about to end anytime soon because, just as I was about to post this, my mum said to put up an ad that she's looking for a fine boy err...husband. So uhm...there. If you have a fine daddy or anything looking for a fine mummy. Call my people. Remember, application fees apply.

QUALIFICATIONS: Aged 56-62. Christian. Rich. A giver. Handsome. Romantic. (I promise she made this list herself)

*clears throats* Like I said, Please don't judge me - but go ahead and judge her.

I guess 2013 is the year of husbands and wives. For better, for worse. I Do - or - I'm Not Doing.


Yours truly, Rantalot.     (@symplysimi on twitter)


  1. Quite a possessive sister-in-law to be. Doncha think.

  2. Cool. Does your brother get 2 pick your husband? And how much does he charge?

  3. Crazy I must say,, but love this whole drama...too bad ur mom would av to go to d USA to get one cos na only oyibo or black american fit dat description reason is bcos any romantic nigerian man u see could b a player if na lie show me.....*and as fo ur broda u must not. Let him go frEe...get ur fees o if not I will have to join in this battle weda arranged or not collect ur own..above all nice one

  4. Simi. LMAO. I should write a blogpost about you and all our "schwaps".

  5. Hahahahaha alway awesome

  6. Babes, nice one.looking forward to your next "rant"

  7. MISISOLA! U crazy gurl!

  8. Simi, You're really funny and insightful in a funny kinda way. Been following your blog for quite a while now, always cracks me up. Love what you've done to the page.Keep up the good (and very funny) work


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