Monday, December 31, 2012

Aunty Shola

Dear Readalot,

As far back as I can remember, my mum has been a strong woman. So strong, she can literally carry the world on her shoulders. She can shift mountains. Take on king kong etc... She just never does any of these because she doesn't want paparazzi to invade her family's privacy and everything.

When I was a kid, we used to go to Christ Covenant Church, a semi-white garment church. By semi, I mean we only wore white garments for special occasions. Every sunday morning, my mum would wake us kids at about 5am and by 6am, we would set out for the house of God. By 6pm, after the pastor and God had left for the day, we would still be in the house of God. My brothers and I would go to our mother crying.

CHILDREN: *weeping* Mummy we're tired and hungry. We want to go home.
MUM: Are you not children of God?
CHILDREN: Yes we are. But our Father has gone and we're still here.

My mum would kiss me goodnight every night, when I was little. Now if I move too close to her, she asks;
MUM: "What do you want? Am I your mother?
ME: I believe so.
MUM: No I'm not. I mistakenly picked you up at the hospital and left my baby. But, I
decided to keep you because I wanted a girl.
ME: *sigh* Are my real parents rich?
MUM: You wish.

When you feel your rep is too intact and you need a mother to help you wreck it, feel free to come rent my mother. My mum is the head usher at our church, Daystar Christian Center and she's always one of the last people to leave church. Old habits die hard. If my mother sees me wearing anything she likes, she screams so everyone can hear -

MUM: Why are you wearing my shoes?
ME: Mummy you're embarrassing me.
MUM: I told you to stop wearing my shoes.
ME: Mummy these shoes don't belong to you. Do you remember buying them?
MUM: No. But they're mine.
ME: How do you know.
MUM: I just do. And while we're at it, Make sure you pay me my money that you're owing me.

My mum found it easy to terrorize me as often as possible, but when she was standing up for me, it was extremely cute. One day, we were both standing in line at a bank. I was standing in front of this guy with headphones on and she was standing next to me. For some reason, I started dancing a little. I can't remember now if I was whining too much. The guy behind me tapped me and with a frown on his face and asked me to stop dancing. I looked back at him with a funny expression, and decided not to say anything. My mum noticed and asked me what happened. I told her. She tapped him and in the middle of the bank, started yelling at him.

MUM: Who are you to tell her to stop dancing? What nonsense? Are you not listening to music? Did anyone tell you to sop listening? Is she dancing on your head? If you can't hold yourself, why are you looking at her?? etc...

When your mama stands up for you in the middle of a packed bank, you know you're set for life.

Once, when I was in school, one guy came to our church to sing. He was also a pastor. When I came home for the weekend, my mum said she'd been praying that I get married to the guy. Huh?? I asked her why she would be praying something like that. I didn't even know the guy and I certainly didn't want to marry a pastor. She said God always answers the prayers of a mother and that was what she wanted so it was what she was going to get. My mum has tried to match-make all her children. None of these match-making efforts have worked so far, so she's given up.

This is probably why every time she sees me with a guy, she asks -

MUM: What are you doing with my daughter? Are you toasting her?
GUY: No ma. She's my friend.
MUM: It's not true. Are you born again? Do you go to church?
GUY: *confused as heck* Ma?
MUM: If you're born again, you can marry her for free.
GUY: Huh?
MUM: No yam. No nothing. I'm dashing her out.

In 2008, a few days before my mum's birthday, I decided to record a song for her. So I went and did one. I was in school at the moment, so I told my friend to give the song to her. When I went home afterwards, I asked my mum if she liked the song. There was a part in the song where I went - "Shola baby..." So my mum slapped me and asked - "Am I your mate? Why didn't you say Aunty Shola?"

Aunty Shola is a total gem. She sacrificed so much for me and my brothers. Never let anyone sell us short. Made sure we always had the best of everything. She's one of the funniest people I know. She's the bestest mother in the entire world. She is amazing. I love Aunty Shola much more than I could ever tell you.

You can download the song I made for my mum "Iya Temi" here... :) -----------> IYA TEMI - SIMI

Yours truly, Rantalot.


  1. Lovely piece...felt like u were describing MY OWN mother.

  2. Funny and Hilarious indeed....hahahaha... And regardless of the SLAP #lol# i love that song... even once danced to it in school....i smiled through out the article cause i can relate, a lil tho. BIG UPS TO YOU

  3. Hilarious especially d marriage part "if u are born again u can marry her for free I'm selling her out" lol. Wow with ur mum u can't hv a dull moment, I luv my mum too n she's trying her best in d comedy aspect lol

  4. Remember when she ask me and Richard same questions and we couldnt even say a word, Last question we expexted. Your her replic tho. I Love My Moma too. #MothersMylife #HappyNewYearSimi&AuntyShola #MuzikKitchen #RantAlot :*

  5. Loool. Simi You no go keey person

  6. "MUM: No yam. No nothing. I'm dashing her out."
    This slayed me. Simi your kids are in for it. Their Mom AND Grandmom are...*sigh* never mind

  7. Hilarious!!! Love d mother and daughter bond

  8. Your description of her shows ur defintely her daughter no doubt bout it.


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