Saturday, May 28, 2016

I Will Faint Oh 😕

Dear Readalot,


To be honest, nothing is funny. I'm laughing to break the ice. Turn down the tension. Probably didn't work. Probably made it more awkward.

 It turns out yesterday was the 4th anniversary of The Rant Lot. Wow. This blog was created four years ago. Even though it feels like I haven't posted anything in two years (I think this is actually accurate), I'm still blown away. Lemme not lie - I'm not even sure if I can still write.

Stay with me ten minutes and lets find out together.

It's been a long time eh? So long. Some of you got married and had 5 kids since I last wrote. Some of you have added weight (and blamed it on the economy). Some of you have left your girlfriend to be chasing another person's girlfriend (who is chasing another person's boyfriend). Some of you have written Jamb four times. (I'm not judging you. Ok, maybe I am a little bit.). Some of you have changed jobs. Some of you are exactly where I left you.

I might as well make this post about change.


You know how some people are so eager to try something new?

CHIKE: Mummy, you know biscuit business is booming now.
MUMMY CHIKE: Ehn. What now happened to it?
CHIKE: I think I found my calling ma.
MUMMY CHIKE: As in how?
CHIKE: Biscuit, mummy. I want to leave Law and sell biscuit. I need to fulfil my calling.
MUMMY CHIKE: *pause* If you hear anybody calling you, please just shout 'Blood of Jesus.'
CHIKE: But mu...
MUMMY CHIKE: *shouts* I rebuke you Satan. That was not my agreement with God. *walks away from Chike and his calling*

And then there are others that absolutely hate change...

HABIBA: Kemi you don't have another shirt?
KEMI: I have
HABIBA: Change na.
HABIBA: But there's paint on your shirt.
KEMI: What if I change and then thunder will now strike.
KEMI: Don't worry. You won't understand.

In truth, I can't exactly describe myself as an adventurous person. I don't want to visit monks in China. I don't want to skydive. I'm not sure I want to visit the ruins of Rome (I don't even know if there are ruins in Rome.). I don't want to hike for one week with a heavy backpack and connect with nature. I don't even like eating food I don't know.

ME: Please what is this green stuff?
THEM: Oh it's bologned skittled parma...
ME: Oh? Don't worry. I'm okay.
THEM: You haven't eaten in two days.
ME: My God will keep me.

However, even though I'm not very adventurous , I'm not afraid to try new things. Except skydiving. I can guarantee that I will not be doing that. Ever.

ME: *Jumps from plane.*
ME: *Faints*
PARACHUTE: I'm waiting for you.
ME: *wakes up*
ME: *sees self falling to ground.*
ME: *faints again*

I have definitely changed a lot in these many, many months. I have learned a lot of things, unlearned others. I have made decisions that have put me in trouble and I have done things I never thought I could pull off. Change will happen. It is inevitable. Even if you fast for 80 days and nights, change will happen. The only thing is that you will lose weight.


A couple of months ago, my mum was really ill and I panicked. I honestly thought I was going to pass out, but then she passed out and I felt like if I passed out too then it would be a bit complicated. So I didn't. Now she makes jokes about it.

MUM: Simi please buy me a car?
ME: Maybe later.
MUM: I will faint oh.
ME: 😕

She's going to be 60 in two days. She still, for some reason, thinks she's 25.

MUM: I carried that big bag from the car.
ME: Why didn't you ask someone to help you?
MUM: I'm strong. I can do anything I like.
ME: Not really.
MUM: I'm going to the gym.

I'm grateful to God that she's ok now, and when she turns 60 on the 30th of May, she probably will still be 25 at heart.

PS: I intend to stay true to you Readalot. So help me God.

Yours Truly, Rantalot