Thursday, September 13, 2012
There are things that I think about sometimes. Things that amaze me. Or just plain confuse me. We all have our "Moments Of wonder". However, these are mine.
THE ATM WONDER
When you use the ATM machine and you stick in your card, there's a woman that starts to talk to you. She's sort of like a spirit because, apparently, she's in all the ATM machines in naija.
Anyway, she asks for your pin. You type it in. At first, you're probably trying to check if that guy has actually sent the five thousand bucks he owes you. So, you ask for your balance. You see it. Then, with your card still in the machine, you decide to withdraw some money. This spirit woman then asks again for your pin. Hmph! You answer her. Then after you withdraw, you want to transfer money. Spiritalot asks for your pin - AGAIN.
Picture this -
Book Seller: Hi. what's your name?
Book Seller: Okay, John. What do you need?
Boy: I need a John Grisham novel.
Book Seller: Alright. Here you go. Do you need anything else.
Boy: Yes, please.
Book Seller: What is your name?
Book Seller: What do you need?
Boy: A Stephen King novel.
Book Seller: Here it is. Anything else?
Book Seller: What's your name?
Boy: *shoots bookseller*
My opinion - There's a spirit inside ATM machines that is suffering from memory loss.
THE 'ADIMERU' WONDER
Honestly, I don't know why they still allow Nigerians carry luggage in and out of Nigeria. I don't know why they even let us into airports for that matter. One time I travelled with my mum, she had to return home about a week before me. She stuffed her luggage till it was packed to the brim. Then, she asked me to bring home all the other stuff she couldn't get in her box.
After she left, I went to check out this 'other stuff'. There were a few shoes (understandable), cloths (okay) and about 500 hangers. Okay, I'm exaggerating. They were about 499 hangers. HANGERS????
She called me and the conversation went something like this -
Mum: How are you?
Me: I'm not fine.
Mum: What happened?
Me: 500 hangers happened. Mummy, there's no space for any hanger in my box oh.
Mum: What ae you saying? you better bring those hangers. They are very important.
Me: Mummy is there no more hanger in Nigeria?
Mum: Bring those hangers. I want those hangers.
Another time, she was at the airport and was going to check in. The airline allowed two boxes for each passenger, each one, at most 50 pounds (25kg). Knowing that at least, one of her bags, most likely weighed more than 50 pounds, she prayed. I'm not sure if she prayed for the scale to lie or for the airport person checking the scales to be half blind, but she prayed.
Luckily for her, the airport person was nice. Also, he was used to Nigerians and their 'Adimeru' mentality. The first bag was about 57 pounds. Yikes?!?! The airport dude looked at her sternly and told her he was just letting her through because he was nice. He might have been a Nigerian too. Not sure.
She was busy doing her private thanksgiving when the second box went on the scale. That weighed about 65 pounds. Oh oh!!!
If I were God and she prayed to me, I'd have gone - "You self no try."
THE "GO LOW" WONDER
In life, we all have different positions we want to attain. Most people want to be at the top of their game. They want to be boss. Students want to 'carry' first. Arsenal wants to win a cup. You get my drift, no?
On the other hand, some naija artistes, for example, have decided that they like the 'LOW' position. Especially for women.
There are so many songs now telling ladies to 'go low', 'go down low', 'stay down low', 'be low', 'very low', 'low-ness', low-full', low-ship'...and on and on it goes.
Now, my issue is not really with the going low. We all gotta go low sometimes. When you drop a pen and gotta pick it up, you go low. It doesn't have to be the kind of low these individuals are singing about. *cough*
The major problem now is this - When are these poor young ladies going to stand up???
If they are all saying 'go low', who's gonna ask them to get up? And when?
Dear artistes, we have leg cramps. Please, let us stand up.
THE BAD GUY WONDER
And Thor fell and hit his head on a huge stone. His hammer fell out to his hands. He was passed out and could not call for his hammer.
Anyway, Loki saw his advantage and hurried to his feet. He took his iron metal weapon thing and pointed it at Thor's unconscious form. In real life, Loki would have done his incantations and used the metal weapon thing to do Thor bad thing. But, no. This is not real life.
Loki smiles at his passed out step-brother. He steps close to him and starts to yarn dust -
"You, my dear brother, are now under my command. I will kill you. You will soon die. I have always lived under your shadow. Father has always loved you more than he has ever loved me. Thor, today, I will take your very breath from you. You wil...blah blah blah."
Thor is slowly waking. He looks disoriented as he rouses. After a few seconds, he notices his brother pointing the iron metal weapon thing at him. He sharply calls the hammer and smashes Loki.
You see, this was cute when the first five movies did it. The hero is helpless. The bad guy decides to start discussing what they didn't ask him. The hero suddenly gets a bright idea. The hero defeats bad guy.
Don't all the bad guys watch old movies?? If they did, they would know that the best time to attack is when the other guy is down. They would cut down on the dialogue and just shoot. Just doggone shoot!
THE "MINE IS THE BEST" WONDER
Everyone thinks their stuff is the best stuff. -
"I have the best mother in the whole world."
"My girlfriend is the most beautiful n the world."
"My wife has the most beautiful smile ever."
"My muscle is thicker than your muscle."
"My break-up was more dramatic than your break-up.
Thing is, of all the over 6 billion people in all the world, only one person is saying the truth about each of these things. Everyone else is lying. The bible says, "Do not lie." *sigh*
Truth be told though, my mum is the coolest mum in the whole world. The rest of you are lying. -_-
THE GIRLFRIEND WONDER
I've always said this. I probably always will say this. Girls are their own worst enemies. Sometimes I find myself wondering why girls have friends.
A chic says she has a 'bestie'. A female bestie. They share everthing. Cloths. Shoes. Make-up. Boyfriends. Secrets.
Best friends right???
Unfortunately, there's a fight. Titi does something to really anger Kemi. Probably, she refused to lend Kemi her new shoes. Sad much?
So Kemi has vexed. She can't stand her bestie, or should I say "ex-bestie".
She goes on facebook and starts to tell everyone who cares to know, that Titi had 15 babies with 5 presidents. She also informs the general public that Titi snores whenever the sun doesn't set on time.
Girls are always gossiping about each other and other people.
"OMG!!!! Look at that bag oh. Chai! I bet she inherited it from her grandmother."
"Did you hear that her cousin's sister brother broke up with Obama's nephew? That girl is possesed.'"
"I would never hang out with that girl. She doesn't even know how to speak with a British accent."
Still, girls have friends. I'm not trying to run anyone's attitude down. Okay, I am.
My girlfriends, on the other hand, are the best girlfriends ever. *refer to 'THE MINE IS BEST WONDER*
Yours truly, Rantalot.