Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Mortal Kombat

Dear Readalot,

I'd like to tell a tale of warriors...


Vexalot tears his shirt and beats his chest like a chimpanzee. He runs around with his eyes wide. He's unbelievably angry. He points at the piece of scum in front of him;

"YOU!!! You!!! Your faaaaaaather!" He throws a few punches in the air. "Wo! Maa pa e da nu." (I will kill you finish).

The guy he's raging at raises his eyebrows at him and keeps washing the car. He doesn't say a word.

Vexalot looks around at the group of guys around him trying to hold him back. "Omo this guy dey vex me oh. I go wound person oh!" The guys mistakenly let go of him. He takes the opportunity to rush the guy washing the car. He's about  to damage somebody's child. And then...BOOM!!!


Vexalot is on the floor. He looks stunned. Not from pain. Not from dizziness. Not from the broken ribs. He's stunned because he fell his own hand by himself. He' shocked because he actually believed with all of his being, that he could fight. He's angry because he didn't do his research. If he had done his research, he would have kept his shirt on. He would have begged those guys to make sure they held him tight and not mistakenly let go of him.

Like Vexalot, many people find themselves in this position. They underestimate someone. Or they overestimate themselves and end up in the dust. Literally!

Anyone who is really capable of beating anyone to a pulp usually doesn't brag about it or stress the details. They just do it. NIKE was originally designed for these people. They don't need to school you on the dangers of messing with them. Experience will always be the best teacher.

I remember quite a long time ago, my brother was really mad at me. The slap he contributed to my face was enough to teach me the error of my ways. If he had gone through the trouble of explaining how he would beat the living daylights out of me or threatened me over and over, I wouldn't have taken him seriously. Surprise is a beautiful weapon. Just like Car-Washalot surprised Vexalot. The element of surprise gave him the upper hand. It also saved him a lot of noise-making. Saved his voice. Saved him the energy of making threats. He got to save all this and still get his car washed. It's kind of like insurance. Kinna.

I was at the basket-ball court one day. Yea, I shoot hoops - Right. Anyways, I was watching a bunch of guys run up and down the court, trying their hardest to find who could embarrass himself best. So, there was a lot of noise making - "My ball can dodge the rim more than your ball..." etc. One time, this tall, big boy got over-excited and shoved one of the other guys who wasn't as tall as him. For some reason, Tallalot reflexively stepped back real quick and raised his hand in front of him like he was protecting himself. He must have been expecting something. A slap, perhaps. This surprised me because I would have expected that it would happen the other way around.

Still you can never know the outcome of a battle sometimes, depending on the reason why the fight is occurring in the first place. Some people fight way better if they're fighting for a good cause. E.g, a girl fighting another girl for a boy. She saw him first. Liked him first. No way some tiff's gonna steal her chance at love. Fighting for that last spot on the bus. You've been standing for hours, waiting for a bus. You'll push anybody's grandma to get on that one bus that finally comes through. Fighting for your investment. One rubbish boy that wasn't there when you bought Swatch for your girlfriend wants to come and steal her. Etc...

I've never actually been in a fight in my life. If you've followed this blog closely, you might have noticed how much of a Mouthalot I was/probably still am. In spite of this Mouth-path I chose, I have gone through life, so far (who knows the future) without getting in any fight. This is how I know God truly loves me.

Don't get me wrong, I have gotten beat a lot of times. My brothers, Wozealot and Calmalot made sure I didn't skip that part of childhood. However, those wouldn't qualify as fights cause I contributed to the 'Getting-Beat', but not to the 'Beating-Up'. I could also argue it in my favour. I didn't fight back because my parents thought me to respect my elders. But that would be a lie. I didn't fight back because I was getting major butt-whooping.

Some people are lucky enough to have mouth and actually back the mouth up with their fists.

One day my brother, Yellalot, was in a horrible mood. He must have been. A NEPA official came to our area on this fateful day and cut down the wires. My brother kept trying to explain to him that we had paid and it was the neighbours he needed to deal with. NEPA man didn't listen. NEPA man was huge, by the way. Huge. My brother's quite big too. But NEPA man with his muscle, tummy and all - he wasn't playing. Yellalot got mad. NEPA man got mad. Yellalot yelled. NEPA man yelled. Yellalot beat NEPA man. He beat him so bad, the po-po came. FOR YORUBA PEOPLE - po-po is not a kind of food, it's slang for 'Police'.

And talking about the police - One day policemen came to our street in about 3 police trucks. They made a lot of noise with the sirens. They were jumping off the trucks and what-nots. Some of them held the guns like they were about to start a war. After several backflips and posing for the hidden camera, they jumped back on the trucks and drove away. They left the entire neighborhood confused. I wonder if they would done the parade if there was real trouble.

Girl fights are funny. Boys like to watch girls fight. They assume that, along the line, somebody will tear somebody's cloths. This is why it is very rare to find a boy separating two girls fighting. On the contrary, they encourage it. It's probably also why the road to heaven is narrow. Too many pervs on the loose. I personally think girl-fights are stupid. Girls close their eyes and start waving in their opponents face wildly, hoping to hit something. When they hit anything. They open one eye to see how much damage has been done.

One of the most interesting fights to watch is one between a man and woman. The woman knows there's no winning this. So she does the next best thing. She grabs the front of his shirt in a stronghold, pushes herself against him and starts screaming - "You must kill me today." For some reason, after this, guys usually don't do anything. They just go, - "Leave my shirt. I'm warning you. Leave my shirt." While she's screaming, - "You must kill me today."

First off, I don't know why anyone would force another person to kill her on a particular day. Not tomorrow, or next week. Today. Second, if somebody you wanted to beat to pieces says, "Okay, go ahead and do it. In fact, you must." Why do you decide then not to do it? It's reverse psychology. Women have always been smarter :)

Finally, I should say parents need to tell their children the truth at all times. Especially their little girls. I played Street Fighter as a little girl and believed maybe I could also try the bicycle kick thingy. I can only say Chun-Li lied. It's not as easy as it looks.

Yours truly, Rantalot


  1. Dear Rant-a-lot,
    Looooool wotta shirioushly funny piece this is.
    I like it that you explored your humor right to the very last sentence...that is wise i think. You didn't leave room for boredom in between also.
    I bookmarked your blog already! Thumbs up.
    Ma regards to wozealot, calmalot &

  2. Omg. U crack me up each time. I wish you'll write more often. My brother loves your posts too.
    Thank you for the laughs ♡

  3. Wow, supeгb weblog structure! Hоw long have you bеen blogging for?
    yοu mаde running a blog glancе easy.
    The full loοκ of yοur ωeb sіte
    is greаt, as neatly as the content material!

    Here is my site ; heavy duty trucks


Tell me what you think...or don't think.