Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Ebenezer Obey

Dear Readalot,

I had already started working on another post, but it bored me so I scratched it. Now, I have started on this one with absolutely no idea what I intend to write about.

I could start with the fact that I'm listening to some Ebenezer Obey. I find it kinda soothing.

Growing up, my dad used to listen to records by King Sunny Ade, Ebenezer Obey, Shina Peters and Fela. I remember that my dad used to dance funny. I don't know about now. I doubt anything has changed. Meanwhile, I used to indulge in Sisqo. Remember "Unleash the dragon.." and "Bad thong thong thong…". Thankfully, not many of us kids knew what he was talking about in his songs.

A lot of people ask me why I don't talk about my dad much. Heres the story. My dad is an angel. He saw my mum one day by the well and said to her;

DAD: Woman, bear my children.
MUM: Yes my Lord. How many? 
DAD: I'll let you know when I'm done. 
MUM: Okay my Lord.

Okay, this is the real story. My dad is an army man. He used to fight with the United States Marine. So they asked him to sacrifice all his toes for the people in Iraq. He said.

DAD: I don't like Iraq

… hmmm I didn't think this story through.

The real story is my parents have been separated for a long time now. Hence, I don't have that many stories about my dad. But he's a cool dude. Growing up with a single parent wasn't bad. My mum was/is a a super-mom. She can fly and breathe fire. That kind of thing. So, I grew up pretty good. My brothers and I were always taken care of. I got to see my dad often. It wasn't bad.

I remember my dad used to take my brothers and I to the beach a lot when we were growing up. It was pretty cool. Sometimes, he would take us to rent movies and buy us junk food. My dad got me my first bra. He had just come back from Paris. I felt very embarrassed. I don't even think I had enough breasts for the bra at the time. But he bought the bra. My daddy. My dad protected his kids. Spoilt us. Over spoilt us.I'm a bit nostalgic now.

I guess where I'm going is this - If you're gonna get married, use some of your head and some of your heart. Don't get married because your friends are getting married. Or because you saw a cute baby and you want one (some babies might disappoint you). Or because you're getting old (If the marriage doesn't work out, you're still getting old anyway). Or because you found a guy with a lot of money (money can bring you happiness, but not the forever kind). Or because you found a babe that is sexy (you'll get over it). Or because mum has started threatening to throw your things out of the house if you don't bring your husband (okay, if this happens, hire somebody to be your pretend husband. Beats living under the bridge.)

Marry well. So you, your husband/wife, and your kid/kids will live happily ever after. _______________________________

So, ASUU has refused to call off the strike. Students have started to forget all the things they taught them before the strike. When (If) they go back to school, the lecturers will have to teach them everything all over again. Then they'll strike again. They'll forget again. They teach them again. They strike again. The Cycle. By the time they finally graduate. They haven't learnt anything. Lately, I've been seeing way too many graduates that don't know anything. Some cant even read properly and they have a BSc or HND degree. Unfortunately, the system is to blame.

I'm not even sure who the leaders of tomorrow are anymore. The people graduating aren't the youth. They are old men and women now. The youth haven't even gotten admission yet. They keep writing jamb and failing. By the time they graduate, they are old men and women too. Sadly, private universities are too expensive for most. It's maddening. So maddening to see how little value this country places on the people. This is why I'm running for presidency in 2015.

I'm still listening to Ebenezer :)

I was in a cab a few hours ago. I received a call and somehow the conversation led me to say that Jesus was my boyfriend. The driver, decided he was curious enough. So he asked;

DRIVER: Is it possible for you to marry Jesus? 
ME: Yes. I'm already married to Him. 
DRIVER: So if Jesus was on earth now, it is you that will corrupt Him? 
ME: If you marry someone, does that mean you will corrupt them? 
DRIVER: Yes now. If you tell Jesus you want to marry Him, He will tell you "No now. I don't want to marry now."
ME: oh?

This conversation ended quite awkwardly, but I'm taking this opportunity to publicly tell Jesus that I do not plan to corrupt Him. My intentions are good. ____________________________

Question. If you and your longtime boyfriend/girlfriend break up, are you still required to maintain an active the same relationship with his/her family?

Still listening to Ebenezer. ____________________________

One day later, Not listening to Ebenezer, but there's this story I feel like I need to tell.

I went swimming with a couple of friends the other weekend. There was kind of an awkward situation. I went from one end of the pool to the other. By the time I raised my head out of the pool, I realized my boob had popped out of the one-piece swim suit. Luckily for me, I noticed it before I had fully come out of the water. There were very few people there and no one had been looking at me. At least, I hope not.

That was the third time I had worn the suit since I bought it. The first time, it had done the same thing - but I must have forgotten how bad it was. Anyway, I stood in the pool for about a full minute wondering if I should fake a muscle pull so I could get out of the water and stay out of the water . Or If I should tell everybody around that my boobs would pop out from time to time and I was just telling them in advance. Or if I should just wrap my towel around me and keep swimming.

I didn't wanna fake a muscle pull because I'd just gotten in the pool and I really, really wanted to swim. I didn't want a picture of my half naked self on twitter, so I decided not to tell them. And swimming with a towel on would be uncomfortable and not allowed.

My friend (a guy) came up to me and asked;

FRIEND: Are you okay? 
ME: Yea 
FRIEND: Sure? 
ME: Uhm…it's just that when I'm in the water, my booby keeps popping out. 
FRIEND: Eya. Sorry.

For some reason, when the average Nigerian doesn't have a solution for something, they tend to go, "Eya." Anyway, I remembered I had brought a safety pin along with me. Truth is I did remember the suit used to give me problems. I had just forgotten how bad the problem was. So, I got out of the water. Fixed the situation with my pin and got back in the water.

My friend also gisted me of the one time he was at some pool. There were a bunch of girls there too and he was feeling lucky. He decided to dive, to show off. Unfortunately, his swim shorts didn't dive with him. When he came up from under water. His shorts were swimming independently and he was butt naked. Needless to say, the girls had a great show. I hope he doesn't read this post. He might find me and break my fingers.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Swimming is for the brave.

Yours truly, Rantalot.


  1. Lol. You might just be more nuts than I am. Only I don't blog mine out. i share that shit in bursts on social networks. To which I'm taking a one week hiatus while I'm on leave.
    Yea. It's me.

  2. The "randomness" of your writings always cracks me up...lol

  3. Another hilarious post Rant-a-lot *thumbs up*

    And yes I agree with you based on personal experience "swimming is for the brave!"

  4. Dear Simi, You will kill someone with your post.I hope am not going to be the 1st one to die.
    Troubled Follower

    My boss almost caught me reading your post.Be ready to hire me if i get fired from reading post(s) on your blog.

  5. Your Mum is a SuperMum...she flies nd breathes fire....loool...ur indirectly callin ur Mum a Dragon..

  6. a beautiful and hilarious one. keep it up simi

  7. Relationship with the ex's family can get awkward

  8. Alright! This babe is one BIG character

  9. Oh my! I just came across ur blog and it's seriously cracking me up. I love the randomness. This made me laff 4 real.


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