The Baby Conspiracy

Dear Readalot,

Babies are cute right? :) Beautiful cuddly wide-eyed bundles of lovely cuteness, innit??

No. Inni not nit anything!



I have a theory. Babies use us. They use us to their advantage as often as they need to. They're also very good at it. We, the agbalagbas spend 90 percent of our lives thinking we're the ones that know wassup. We're the smart ones. We have the final say. It's incredible how we've managed to disillusion ourselves when we really don't know the half of it.

You see, it starts way before conception.

GOD: Heyo dust, come here.
DUST: Sir.
GOD: I need to send someone down to earth in a bit.
DUST: Oh. Where exactly?
GOD: The Bankoles.
DUST: The ones in Ajah?
GOD: Yea.
DUST: With the 5 houses in yankee?
GOD: Uh huh! That's the one.
DUST: Okay. I'm due for sending anyway. Send me.
GOD: Okay. I'm gonna make you a cute little boy.
DUST: Huh?? No way! They always treat their female kids better.
GOD: Oh. Okay. Just cause I'm in a good mood, I'll make you a girl.
DUST: Thank You Sir. You're the bomb.
GOD: *wink*

And *TADA*. Unto the Bankole's a baby girl is born.

Then comes the baby talk. Another theory. Baby talk is really a high level form of communication used by secret agents (babies). They use it when they want to communicate with their fellow secret agents (other babies) and don't want the lesser lifeforms (adults) to understand them. See example below.
NB: For those that do not understand babytalk, I included translations. You're welcome.

BABY-BOY: did idjfjhz ijsdjlkjz - (This my mumc sef too dey misbehave.)
BABY-GIRL: bsdodk sde eff  - (Ahn ahn. What happened?)
BABY-BOY: dakuhb possd - (I was crying, yea? The tone and pitch of my cries should have told her I needed a diaper change.)
BABY-GIRL: fgjkh - (Obviously)
BABY-BOY: fhbo hksaaixvh  - (SMH. Instead, she started singing to me. Even worse, she doesn't even know the songs I like.)
BABY-GIRL: khj diopoad - (She sang Westlife?)
BABY-BOY: kjda lad;lkaj aldguiadh - (I wish. She was singing - wait for it - Ayefele.)
BABY-GIRL: kjhdf shdfs - (Heck no. O_O)
BABY-BOY: kjhdfsdlkfjdf afasflkj - (Yep! Yep! She should know by now that I'm into wizkid and co.)
BABY-GIRL: kjhdfjsdfjhdf lsdhfkld - (*sigh* I'm sorry you had to go through that.)
BABY-BOY: fksdjfh sjkhlad (Issokay! But I'll feel better if you kiss my cheek.)
BABY-GIRL: lfkjsdlfkjal (Later. My mum is looking.)



That rule where God says, "Vengeance is mine". Babies don't think that the rule applies to them. They like revenge.

When a baby is born, the doctor smacks it on the butt. If the baby doesn't respond, the doctor smacks it again. Harder this time. In naija, I bet the doctor will assume the baby is rude and will hit harder han necessary. So many black old people looking for respect -_-

Anyway, babies never forget. They remember how hard they were hit in spite of the fact that they did absolutely nothing to deserve it. They feel like everyone takes advantage of them because they're so little. I kinna agree with this myself.

Imagine you, in your 28-year old splendor, walk into a room full of people you know absolutely nothing about. Your first reaction would be to look around carefully and try to take it all in. Then, as you take it in, some dude grabs you by your arm and slaps you. OUCH?!?!

Some people would hit back. Some would cry. Some would just be shocked and unable to react. Imagine if you were in the "Shocked-and-unable-to-react" group and then the dude slaps you again, because you wouldn't react.

That feeling that you get right after all this happens to you, that's how babies feel. They don't get why we don't get this.

Because of all these wicked stunts we pull, they play the Revenge Game. When a baby poops on your new dress. Or when they pee on you after you're already dressed for work. Maybe they puke when you're trying to give them a cute little kiss. Ewww. It's never accidental.

The general plan is to grow up and be treated like Hakeem in "Coming To America". So they start out pretending. They want food; they cry. They want water; they cry. They want to be carried; they cry. They just want to see you frustrated for the fun of it; they cry. Sometimes, they make you get or do something and then decide they don't want it anymore. Why do you think when there's a lot of babies in the same place there's a lot of racket? They are sharing I-can-gawk-my-mom-better-than-you-can-gawk-your-mom stories.

If you ever see a baby acting helpless, don't fall for it. It's a trap. They know what they're doing.

At the moment, there's a 3 year old little boy trying to do some damage to himself by doing flips off the bed so when his parents come back home, they can do some damage to me. Problem is I have to solve the problem without actually doing some damage to him, even if it's the only thing I really feel like doing to him.


Yours truly, Rantalot.