Friday, September 7, 2012

24 Boyfriends!

Dear Readalot,

My mum really liked me as a kid. She might have even loved me -_-. She was proud of me and bragged about me to whoever would care to listen. She had great reason to. Her only daughter, her last born, her little princess happened to know book. Yes! I try small.

I was a sharp kid. A small girl with a pretty okay brain. Considering all of this, my mum made what I refer to as one of the biggest mistakes of both our lives. She pulled me out of primary school after primary five.

I had written the common entrance exams with those that were my seniors by a year and I had passed. I was nine years old, as small as nature would allow and spoiled. I was a very spoiled kid. So with all these talents of mine, I was shipped off to boarding school. Federal Government College, Benin.

I remember asking my dad, "Daddy, when will I leave the school?"
My dad answered, "After J.S.S 3."
"Daddy nooooo." I screamed. "I want to stay until S.S.3."
"Eyaaaa." You said.

Anyway, my dad's driver drove me off to school that day. I had never been away from my parents before in that manner. I was mighty excited. If for nothing else, to be away from my brother. At that point in my life, I was already a permanent punching bag.

After a few days of hard bunk-beds and horrible food, the excitement was starting to dwindle. I felt like it wasn't all that after all. I had to wash, feed, bath, dress myself. Why always me?!?! Also, school was really far from home so, my parents couldn't come to see me as often as I would have liked.

So, I struggled to survive. I was tired of struggling. I didn't really like anybody. I doubt if anyone really liked me. Except for this one girl.

She was really small like me and light skinned. She would always come around to my room to look for me. Ask about me from everyone. she wanted to be friends. Great, right??? No. not great. Houston, we had a very big problem.

She was a witch. Okay, I should rephrase that. They said she was a witch. According to my sources, every holiday, when every other student goes home for the holiday, she goes to her spirit world. *insert zulu zulu  music*. They said she didn't have any parents and that she was just a spirit looking for a err...person to spirit-ify along with her.

This same babe wanted to be friends. I avoided her to no avail. I couldn't afford to be mean to her because you no know as witch dey take operate when they vex. She kept coming back.

I left for the first term holiday. I didn't go back. When I got home, I told my father, "Daddy I'm not going to anywhere oh. Witch is following me." So much for waiting till S.S.3.

For my second term, I resumed in another federal school. Federal Govt. girls college, Sagamu. Being here was a lot more bearable. I actually had friends. My parents came to see me as often as possible.

Here, I was a non-conformist. I talked to all my seniors anyhow. I didn't do anything they asked me to do. I disliked almost all my teachers. It was fun :). However, there was a problem. A big one.

After I was done with J.S.S 2, I got my result and a myth was exposed. I didn't know book after all. The red that decorated my report card was enough to decorate all the houses on one street for Christmas. I had repeated the class. Funny thing is this actually stuned a lot of my classmates. One of the class not-so-smarts walked up to me and asked, "What happened na? You used to ask plenty questions in class oh. What happened?" I probably would have slapped her, but she was bigger than me.

I sat by myself for hours and saw different pictures and scenarios of my mum sending me home to be with the Lord. I asked myself over and over if I was ready for heaven. Can't remember if i was then.

I knew I had to strategise. My dad's driver came to get me from school for the holidays. I showed him the result and told him to help me beg my mum to let me live long. I was horrified. We went home.

Until I graduated from secondary school, my mum rubbed it in my face. She said she wonders why she ever thought I knew book in the first place. I had always wondered that too.

I changed schools again.

This time, I went to this private school from home everyday. Life was so much easier. When your mum is on your case with a belt or pair of slippers everyday, of course life will be easier. This time around, I was something of a local champion. My English teacher thought I was adorable because I used to form English-Speaker. Thing is, people only think you have an accent because they don't understand you. Even if you're saying nonsense.

My classmates didn't like me much. Especially the girls. I happened to be stealing the affection of all their boyfriends. *insert Wash music*.

I remember when I was in J.S.2, I had this senior in S.S.2 who used to come and look for me. I had fans. I also had haters. However, through all this, I was a novice. I could talk my way into and out of anything so they all thought I was an ogbologbo *meaning Pro - well I hope that's what it means*. Anyways, I wasn't an ogbologbo.

I remember one guy came from a sister school to meet me. "Simi" He said. "Is it true you have 24 boyfriends?"


"Huh?" I asked.
"I said I heard you have 24 boyfriends. Is it true?"
"Oh that? I haven't heard about it yet. But thanks for telling me." I said,smiling and walked away.

At that point, I had never even had a boyfriend. Nonetheless, I had a theory. The more you try to quench a rumour, the more you spread it. So, I embraced it.

Some of my teachers adored me. I was pretty adorable. *insert eyelashes*. The others didn't like me much. My Biology teacher, for instance - She probably hated me. Hate is a strong word, so I shouldn't say that. She might have despised me. She was booooooring. I hated Biology. I hated the class. the teacher was boooooooring. Okay, I said that before. Very boring, by the way.

My Math teacher sort of liked me. Sort of didn't. I was the kid whose name was on every noise-maker list. No matter what I did, or didn't do, my name made all the lists. So, I didn't even bother trying. I would just go "Please, write my name now. I want to gist." One day, my Math teacher came to class. He had this thick glasses he used to wear. Unbelievably thick. Truth is, he was an incredibly brilliant man. However, I was an incredibly troublesome child.

He had warned everyone to stop making noise. "Shatap! Shatap!" He said. I kept talking. I had this gist I had to get out of me or I might have blown with the info. It was a life threatening matter, you see. Unavoidable. After he had warned people for the umpteenth time, he called me. "Simi, I said stop talking. You don't listen." I said "Sir, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were talking to me. I didn't see your eyes." Remember the thick glasses. Okay, I didn't say it loud enough for him to hear, but my classmates heard and laughed. I guess what irritated him the most was that he asked me a question about what he had been teaching and I got the answer right.

Fortunately, I started knowing book again, small small. My mum had learned her lesson though. She didn't brag about me again. Good thing too, because once they asked, "What's the noun for Supreme." Oversabi, Oluwarantalot shouted, "Supremity"

Perhaps, if my parents had taken me to one of those schools where you get a free ipad and laptop, I would never have failed anything. If they had taken me where we went to sea-school every summer, I would have been a genius. I blame my parents for every red biro mark on my report cards. I wasn't in the best environment. Nobody could possibly function properly seating on wooden chairs.

Anyways, I did the best with what I had. Also, I always said I intentionally failde that class that I did. I felt I was moving too fast. I needed to slow down and enjoy life :)

I dedicate this post to all the boyfriends I didn't steal. God Go Make You Bigger.

Yours truly, Rantalot


  1. Loool, ok this was funny. Nicely written as well, no too much big big grammar.

  2. Dis is a rily nyce piece....luv it

  3. ROTFL ... The person beside me thought I was loosing my mind. Way to go girl, great stuff

  4. So u may have had 24 boyfrriends tho. Hahaha. Way to go my friend. They didn't beat u in all those schools abi that's y ur mouth was running.

  5. Simi, you're incredibly crazy!
    I can imagine what U̶̲̥̅̊ looked like 10yrs ago...

  6. Dt guy is kolo, I wud hav noticed if u had 24 bfs na ... Hmmn ... Btw sch ... Church ... Music rehearsals ... Dance lessons nko, I won't mention area ninjas cos dose ones no reach. Miss dose days sha, nice piece

  7. Hehehehe vry lovely piece

  8. hmmmm! Interesting! but crazzzzzzy! but from time na only me been know say you know well,now thanks this blog of yours everyone now knows! SIMI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  9. You are too much ohhhh! You need to write your own comic novel!

  10. i love ur posts, Oluwarantalot!!!

  11. Another lovely!!!

  12. You're a pretty amazing person to have all these in your head and actually write it down in a way we can relate to. Funny thing is you might be the shy and quiet type of person and I'd love to meet ya. I love your posts! Keep em comin!

  13. Lol,simi so u ran away and left us with d wooden chairs in sagy...


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