Pishaun

Dear Readalot,

I've been in the States for close to four months now. Four months without NEPA. Without MTN. Without POTHOLES. Without GEJ. What else could anyone possibly ask for? Not much. My mum told me not to come back home as there has been peace at home since I left. I asked her who I should give the shoes I was planning to bring back to her. She changed her mind and said I can return for about 2 days with her shoes- and then leave again. Motherly love? Anyways, since I got here, most of the things I used to worry about, I haven't worried about in a while. I have even escaped insult. My brother still tells me regularly that I'm adopted, but now, he only does it on twitter.



Everyone worries. Some worry more than others. Some don't worry for too long. But everyone worries about something at one point or the other. Having grown up in chaotic Lagos, I've come across many people with many problems. Not enough food. Not enough cloths. Not enough money. Not enough rich people. Not enough fine boys. Too many mosquitoes. Too many accidents. Too many poor people. Too many mad people. On and on it goes. Tough legitimate problems. On the other hand, the short time I've been here in yankee, the complaints I hear either leave me confused or make me want to slap someone.

In the States, they are constantly working on the roads. They fix them before they get broke. So every once in a while, there might be a little traffic. Americans have the guts to complain. They say they didn't send text to them to tell them what time they will fix the roads.They will sue the mayor for emotional abuse. Sue the president for taking them for granted. Americans sue for absolutely anything. They can sue you for looking at them with bad eye. I usually don't look anybody in eye. Americans are also very touchy. Any small thing like this they can shoot you.

Guns. Guns are creepy. It's not that easy to get a gun in Nigeria. Even in Nollywood, it's a little embarrassing when they have shooting scenes. They buy half-dead toy guns and shout "Pishaun Pishaun". Then, somebody pours zobo on the person who was shot. Naija police operate guns that have expired in yankee. Rusty old things. In yankee, guns are everywhere. Almost anyone can get a gun. Several days ago, a twenty year old white boy took three guns (owned by his mother), killed his mother and then went to an elementary school and killed six of the staff and 20 little boys and girls. He killed them all and then he killed himself. They say he might have been mentally sick. SMH. No matter how mentally sick you are in Nigeria, there's no Cele church or babalawo that cannot beat it out of you. They need to get guns away from these very touchy people. If guns were available to just about anybody in naija, Nigerians would probably be extinct by now. Talking about extinct, humans supposedly should have been extinct by now.

The Mayans said humanity would end on the 21st of December. I heard something about aliens coming to carry us away. I requested that before they carry us, they need to first come pick me and drop me in Lagos with my family so we can leave together. Also, they can't use alien danfo or okada to get me. Helicopter or Rocket will be just fine. I mentioned that I was going to need a PlayStation, FIFA 14 and maybe a couple of board games. Robert Downey Jr. had to be on my alien ship etc... Anyways, I think my demands were too many, so they decided not to show up. Too bad?? Well, since they didn't show up, I decided to go out.

I went to this Nigerian restaurant with a couple of friends.We met a band playing juju music. We let ourselves go. I enjoyed it immensely. My Yoruba 'brother' who was the lead singer went - "Chisos na you be oga." Its true what they say, "You might leave naija, but naija will never leave you." Sometimes, something comes over me and I start to speak my version of oyinbo (fo-ne). We went by McDonalds the other day and I was making my order. The guy taking the order kept saying "Huh?" The oyinbo I was speaking was not flowing. My friend was probably embarrassed because he just took over. I should have probably spoken Yoruba.

Life is Good and I'm glad you're a part of it Readalot. :) Merry Christmas <3


Yours truly, Rantalot