Thursday, July 26, 2012

The Hafengers

Almost on a daily basis, I see all these incredibly, amazingly astounding super-heores on TV. Saving America. Making a difference in Jand. When there’s about to be a nuclear blast, the center of the action is always New York, or Washington, or maybe London sef. But here in Naija…Nothing!!! No super ‘anytin’. We’re on our very own.

If you push someone off a five-storey building, the person will land, face first, because Superman won’t come. If trailer is coming at you and you have nowhere to run, it will jam you because there’s no Incredible Hulk to stop it. If somebody ties you with rope, there's no Wolverine with his knuckle-knives to come and cut it. Or even when you want to buy something and the igbo-guy selling it calls price for you, Professor Xavier won’t be there to help you read his mind and tell you whether he’s cheating you. The list goes on and on and on. We Nigerians are at a disadvantage without super-heroes.

The question then is this – Are Superman and co being unnecessarily unfair? I’ve thought long and hard about it. I have also discussed it at length with my not-so-imaginary friend, Kaptain Private and we have concluded that you can’t blame them. If I were a super-hero, I’d stay away from Nigeria too.

Imagine Batman wants to sharply go rescue someone in Ajah in his Batmobile, and he’s coming from Ikorodu. Before he reaches, the person would either have died or rescued himself. He’ll use one hour to battle potholes in Ikorodu. Police will stop him and ask why his windows are tinted. Okada will bump and scratch his ride. When he’s about to enter Island, they would have closed 3rd Mainland Bridge...etc.

Or say Thor wants to sharply break one armed-robbers head, he finds that someone has stolen the hammer. Yes. The same hammer that only Thor’s supposed to be able to carry. Naija boys will move that thing and nothing will happen.

Magneto, on the other hand, is jejeli performing his duties. He stretches his supernatural hand and calls all the metals to himself. Little does he know that almost everything is fake. When you’re calling silver and gold and it’s only fake fake Aba made things that are there. Aba made things don’t respond to anybody. Magneto would be a waste here.

Perhaps Iron Man wants to run from one bad guy. He jumps from the building and waits for his Iron man suit to come and meet him. Unfortunately, NEPA has taken light. There is no light to open the door for the suit. And Iron Man lands *SPLAT*. The End.

Superman won’t be able to fly, for all the Nepa Poles. He’ll keep getting tangled. And when he rescues someone and he’s flying to take them to a safe place; If he mistakenly flies over Benin, All those ‘birds’ will ‘un-rescue’ the person.

Spiderman nko? Is it buildings that are waiting to collapse he wants to be swinging from. Kaptain Private said Spidey will prolly have to operate Okada. Smh.

If Hulk uses too much power to jump on all these our badly done roads, He’ll end up underground. And then he, the superhero, will need rescuing.

You see how risky the super-hero business is in Naija? Why do you think no Nigerian has even invested in flying suits and such?

The only heroes we can boast of here are babalawos, witches and policemen…“The Hafengers”.

If the super heroes should even decide to come, I can only imagine the things Naija people will ask for -

“Mr Fantastic, I want to do my BIS oh. Abeg stretch hand and get money for me. Thank you, Sir.”

“Thor, see that girl snatched my boyfriend. Use your hammer and bury her for me.”

“Wolverine please help me give my child tribal mark. All three lines at a go.”

“Wonder Woman shey you’ll help me pose and trick my husband. I want to see if the idiot is cheating on me.”

Even kidnappers will start asking Superman to help them hide their victims in Mars.

If you were a superhero, would you come to Naija?
O_o

Yours truly, Rantalot.

19 comments:

  1. What I fink?
    U̶̲̥̅̊'re a crazy geh!
    And U̶̲̥̅̊ need help....
    Meanwhile thumbs up for stretchin ur mind wide & d thot provokin blogs

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  2. True talk, if I wz a superhero sef, I wuldn't risk cmin 2 Nigeria so I rly dnt blame dem nah.

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  3. This is sick in a positive way. Mind blowing and unique. I don't laff enter brt lane...hehehe! Thumbs up! A brilliant satirical piece!

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  4. Yh..very true....cud imagine if captain america comes to 9ja,he wud prob de dressed in native and ankara, wud nt be able to throw his shield in a lowcost estate coz it will get stuck in d badly constructed walls, thus d shield wud nt bounce bk!!!!

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  5. Very true!!! Cud imagine captain america comin to 9ja, he wud probally wear ankara n native, probally be renamed to "oga 9ja" n wud nt b able to get his shield bk afta its flung in a low cost estate coz of badly constructed buildings!!!

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  6. Mr Fantastic, I want to do my BIS oh. Abeg stretch hand and get money for me. Thank you, Sir ... Oh my! Whoa are you and where are you from?!

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  7. LOOOL. nice 1 darl..got me rolling

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  8. OMG!!! "Superman abeg help me hide this whitey for mars no vex, I go arrange your share when the family pay...ℓǍ̜̣̍U̶̲̥̅̊G̶̲̥̅Ђº¤°`ƠU̶̲̥̅̊Tº¤°`ℓƠU̶̲̥̅̊D̶̲̥̅̊ =D =)) ⌣»̶·̵̭̌·̵̭̌✽̤̈̊!this is so funny... Keep it up! And nice imagination you've got there.

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  9. OMG!!! "Superman abeg help me hide this whitey for mars no vex, I go arrange your share when the family pay...ℓǍ̜̣̍U̶̲̥̅̊G̶̲̥̅Ђº¤°`ƠU̶̲̥̅̊Tº¤°`ℓƠU̶̲̥̅̊D̶̲̥̅̊ =D =)) ⌣»̶·̵̭̌·̵̭̌✽̤̈̊!this is so funny... Keep it up! And nice imagination you've got there.

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  10. One Word tho.....#Magnificent!!wish I cud meet u!

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  11. One Word tho.....#Magnificent!!wish I cud meet u!

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  12. Can't stop laffing! Hahahahahaha...

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  13. I c u still got d brains. Nice one

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  14. You have have just suggested that Superheroes does not need our help but Nigerians do. How do we have Naija Superheroes that is celebrated when he embezzles money rather than saving lives? Its all about Re-orientating the"Superhero" imagination we have which is from gaining popularity to Sustaining Cultural Diversity or attaining Patriotism

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  15. 'Over-seriousness' go kill some people. Look at how this inner voice turn this absolutely cracking piece to embezzlement/corruption complain. Life is short o.

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  16. This was just too funny, I did everything I could not to burst out with laughter while reading this during my lunch hour.....girl you have some serious writing skills, keep it up. Your blog article brightened my stressfull day! Thank you

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  17. Better still *Flash*.abeg carry run go Cinema i dont late 2 watch avenger...

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