Ojuju Calabar

Dear Readalot,

As a kid, I didn't lie much. I can't say how many times I must have heard - "All liars go to hell." From Sunday school teachers. From my parents. From society. And what kid isn't scared of hell? I was. Other times, they would scare us with - "Ojuju Calabar will catch you." I will never forgive whoever came up with 'Ojuju Calabar'. Robbed me of my childhood.

Being that I broke a lot of plates and bit a lotta people (who deserved it); I'm sure there were things I would have liked to lie about;

"No mummy, I didn't bite him. I don't know how his hand entered my mouth."

"No daddy, I didn't break the plate. It saw me and fell down in fear."

"No aunty, I didn't eat the cake. What is cake?"

Problem is, after a while, our parents stop telling us about the danger of hell. They stop telling us about the wickedness of Ojuju. So we forget. We start lying.

Overtime, I've come across all kinds of liars. Some people lie to get themselves out of trouble.

BABE: Good morning sir.
BOSS: Have you finished work on that document?
BABE: I finished it last night sir, but I was mugged on my way to work.
BOSS: U say?
BABE: A thief stole my bag on my way to work. The document was in my bag sir. I'm so sorry.
BOSS: What about that bag on your table?
BABE: Uhm...sir that's my bible bag. They didn't steal that one.

Some poeple lie to protect the ones they care about.

MAN: So did my wife really sleep with your boss?
MAN's FRIEND: Err...no.
MAN: Really?
MAN's FRIEND: Yea, really.

Some people lie to get something they want.

BOY: Baby girl, I dey feel you die.
GIRL: Mschew. You're not my type.
BOY: But Adenuga is my mum's ex-boyfriend.
GIRL: Ehen?
BOY: I swear down.
GIRL: Okay, you're my type.

Some people lie because they're insecure.

GIRL1: Sheeet! If you see that Michael Kors bag I just bought. The tin is fire!
GIRL 2: Oh? Me too I just bought one correct designer bag.
GIRL 1: For real? Which one?
GIRL 2: Gucci and Gabana.
GIRL 1: U say?
GIRL 2: It's a new brand. You don't know it.

Some people lie because...actually for no reason at all. Or because they can't help it.

GIRL: Wow, I love the blue skies.
BOY: The sky is purple.
GIRL: Huh?
BOY: Purple skies.

My brother, Calmalot, has actually told some of the funniest lies I've ever heard.

MUM: Why did you take the meat?
CALMALOT: Me? Meat? I didn't take it.
MUM: But that's the meat in your hand.
CALMALOT:  I don't know anything about it.
MUM: But it's right there in your hand.
CALMALOT: I haven't eaten all day. I don't know about it.

OR

MUM: I can't find the book I put here.
CALMALOT: Book? I don't know about it.
MUM: But you were home alone the entire day?
CALMALOT: Yes. I don't know about it.
MUM: Did anyone else come to the house?
CALMALOT: Not at all. I was alone all day.
MUM: So who it took it?
CALMALOT: I don't know.
MUM: Was it a spirit?
CALMALOT: I don't know about it.

Usually, my mum walks away and finds a corner to pray for him.

Cell phones have been the biggest groomers of liars in this Naija. In a bus somewhere in Ikorodu, some guy is on the phone like;
"Guy I don reach Lekki. Five minutes now, I go reach your side. In fact, come outside."

People aren't even trying to hide it anymore. It's the norm now. It's so bad that people won't believe you even if you're saying the truth. A lot of people make the argument that some lies aren't bad.
They say it's just a means to an end. It's a little white lie. I wonder who first painted a lie.

It's funny that when something bad almost happens, we scream "The devil is a liar." I can imagine the devil asking, "You nko?"

Do you think some lies are excusable? If you do, when? Why?

Lying is stressful. You usually have to tell several lies to cover the first lie. And then you forget all those lies and have to make up new lies. It's like a full-time job. How about just saying the truth. Getting punched. Getting it outta the way? How about it?

Yours truly, Rantalot.