LMOL!!!

Dear Readalot,


I went to Ikeja yesterday. On my way back, some guy stepped up to me and my friend.

GUY: You want to braid your hair?
ME: Nope
GUY: I'll do it well na.
ME: I'm ok. Don't worry.
GUY: What about pink lips? Come and do pink lips.
ME: *eyebrow raised* you say what?
GUY: Pink lips. Very fine. Let me show you picture.
MY FRIEND: I already have pink lips.
GUY: This one you'll have pink lips forever.

Wad Up Dearie?

Dear Readalot,

It's been a little longer than a while. I've missed you and the vain side of me hopes you have missed me too and that you've lost sleep waiting for me. Forgive my vanity, I'm working on it.

So many interesting things have happened these past few weeks. I can remember some of them, I have forgotten most. The one most vivid in my mind at the moment is my experience at Darey's concert, Love Like A Movie.

The Pursuit Of Happyness

Dear Readalot,

Happiness is a beautiful thing. Sometimes you have to chase it. Most times. Other times it is given to you as a gift from God.

I will be dumping a lot of random rants in this post. :)

A few weeks ago, My brother, Yellalot, (refer to post *Trade By Barter*) and his wife had a little baby girl. I call her my lil' bit of heaven. I love her deeply. Thing is, she came with a lotta drama.

Talent Hunters

Dear Readalot,

There's probably something you think you're really good at. A talent. A talent is something you know how to do very well. It's also something you enjoy doing and probably will do for free. (Please don't check Webster's dictionary to confirm my definition. You will be disappointed.)

I'm Not Doing...

Dear Readalot,

I'm not sure if I have issues or if it's everyone else.

I told you in my last post that my mum tried for years to matchmake her children to no avail. I also mentioned she gave up after a while. Well, I was wrong. She didn't give up. She passed the responsibility of matchmaking to her sister, my aunt. I'm not self-centered or anything, so this story is not about me.

Mortal Kombat

Dear Readalot,

I'd like to tell a tale of warriors...

______________________________


Vexalot tears his shirt and beats his chest like a chimpanzee. He runs around with his eyes wide. He's unbelievably angry. He points at the piece of scum in front of him;

World Wonders

Dear Readalot,

There are things that I think about sometimes. Things that amaze me. Or just plain confuse me. We all have our "Moments Of wonder". However, these are mine.

Toy Gun.

Dear Readalot,

I’m going to tell you a story about thieves. The story does not belong to me. It belongs to a member of my family. No, he was not the thief. *Pause* Well, I’m not counting the one time he took my chocolate. (-_-)

…………………..

Onie fateful day, Calmalot, my brother, was home alone and he was starving. Note: He’s always starving. Anyways, he was starving and decided to boil some rice to survive. I need to point out here that Calmalot is the most horrible cook I have ever seen in the universe.

He was in the kitchen, putting all the wrong ingredients in the pot of rice. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. He reluctantly left his Harry Potter potion and went to answer the door. He asked who was at the door, the woman that lived in the flat downstairs answered that it was her.

Calmalot unlocked the door and pulled it open. Three men pushed the woman inside and entered as well, closing the door behind them. Hungry, young Calmalot was stunned for a long minute. One of the guys pushed his face and said – “We’re armed robbers.”



…………………..
#Pause

I, personally, find this very weird. Since when did armed robbers start introducing themselves? And what do you say to that? “Nice to meet you”? O_o.

I don’t think a vampire would show at your place and go – “What’s up, I’m a vampire.” Maybe Nigerian vampires, since Nigerians like to show-off about the dumbest things.
“My headlight get swag pass your headlight! Reeeespekt! ” (-_-)
#Play
…………………..

“We’re armed robbers.” One of the three guys said. Calmalot looked at them like, ‘Okay, so what can I do for you?’. Well that’s what he said he did. He’s also said he’s cuter than me. He might have been lying again.

Anyway, the thief brought out a gun from his pocket and pointed it in Calmalot’s face. Calmalot looked at the guy holding the gun incredulously and said, “This is toy gun na.”

………………….
#Pause

You’re thinking now that I’m making this up. I thought the same for a bit. The thing, however, is that the woman (the neighbour from downstairs who I’m still planning bad thing for, because I don’t know how you will bring tiff to my house) confirmed this story.

#Play
………………….

“This is toy gun na.” He said.

The gun-guy looked at Calmalot like he had lost his mind. Unfortunately, he really HAD lost his mind. Gun-guy recovered from the shock and told my brother and the woman from downstairs to lie on the floor. Calmalot told me that at this point, what he was really thinking about was how hungry he was and the potion he had left on the cooker. *sigh*

They asked him to stand up and take them to his mum’s room. On their way there, they went by my room. I happened to be in school at the time. My room was locked though. Unnecessarily so, as the most expensive thing there was probably the mattress.

They went to the mother’s room, found it locked. They kicked it open. They ransacked the entire room. Tore the whole place apart. Turned the bed upside down. Her cloths were thrown all over the place. After ransacking everything, the only thing they could find was this cute red phone that I had been ogling for ages.

………………….
#Pause

The red phone. This phone was a beautiful, red, sleek, useless phone. Very useless phone. The biggest deal about this phone was that it could make and take calls. But it was a sezzy lirru tin. My mum had other phones she was using so it was mostly decoration. I begged her, but she wouldn’t give it to me. I swallowed my pride and kept begging, all to no avail.

The thieves took the phone. (I won’t say my head caught somebody, but my head sha did something -_-)

#Play
………………….

When they had finished vexing that all their hard work didn’t count for much, they were going to leave the house in anger and my mum’s room, a complete mess. Calmalot looked at them as they were stepping out of the room – “So now you’ve scattered the whole room and you didn’t even take anything, you people should better arrange the room.”
WHAT?!?!

 If I was the thief, I would have shot his foot, at least. And that’s if I was a gentle thief. Thank God I was at school. If I had experienced that, it would have totally injured me mentally. Also, it would have been me who had to fix mumcee's room afterwards ( ˘˘̯)

So, they locked Calmalot and the woman in the bathroom before they left. I guess we can say there was a bright side to this. He didn’t eat the rice. Therefore, he lived.


P.S: I think it was a toy gun.


Yours truly, Rantalot

Chelsea for life!!!

SHE :- Gooooaaaaal!!!!!!

HE :- Honey, the ball is at the back of the net.

SHE :- Oh. I really thought Messi would have scored that one.

HE :- Sweetie, that was Rooney.

SHE :- But you told me yesterday that it was Messi.

HE :- Babe, that was another team and game.

SHE :- Oh, ok. So Rooney and Messi are teammates?

HE :- *sigh*

If you see ten naija men, eight will probably be diehard football fans. Naija men love their football. Sorry, let me rephrase that. Naija men are crazy about football. For my ‘Hamrican’ readers, we’re talking about soccer. I’ve seen many of them cry, laugh, make friends, make enemies, get drunk and even get beaten up for that game. That game that FIFA is yet to pay them for. That game!!!

Ladies, for years now, have complained and whined about this insane addiction that their men have. “You love this stupid game more than you love me.” She would cry.

Wanting to surprise her husband, she would cook his favourite dish and wear that red sexy panty-hose thing. “I’m gonna make him feel alright.” She would say happily as she lights candles all over the house. She plans to surprise her husband with the perfect romantic night. At about 8:45pm, her husband is banging on the house door. “Chineye…Chineeeeeeyeee open this door na.” She rushes to the door excited and opens it as she strikes a to-die-for Madonna pose. Oga ignores the pose, hurries inside the house and grabs the remote. “What are you doing?” Chineye asks. “You didn’t see me standing here shey? You didn’t notice the candles?”…Dan glances at her briefly. “Oh that? I thought you were doing yoga or something. Plus the game started fifteen minutes ago.” He looks back at the TV…the game.

Having competed with football for years and lost…EVERYTIME, women have now learned to live the “If you can’t beat them, join them” lifestyle. This is why we have so many Chealsea, Manchester United, Arsenal and Barcelona fans that don’t know jack about their so-called teams. They buy original jerseys and stamp their names on the back of them so their ‘baby’ can be proud. 

If a babe is in the middle of guys having a conversation about football, she tries to contribute so she doesn't seem clueless, even if in the end, she seems even more clueless than they first thought.
Some babes change teams as soon as they change 'babies', so they forget what team they’re supporting sometimes. One week they post - “Chelsea for life. Up Blues” and the next, “Barca forever. Merciless Messi”.

Guys when you see your lady making the effort, you sef encourage her. It’s not easy to pretend that you care about C. Ronaldo….He does have nice abs though. (-_-)

Yours truly, Rantalot

P.S: Happy birthday to my amazing mama :)