I Will Faint Oh 😕

Dear Readalot,

Lol.

To be honest, nothing is funny. I'm laughing to break the ice. Turn down the tension. Probably didn't work. Probably made it more awkward.

 It turns out yesterday was the 4th anniversary of The Rant Lot. Wow. This blog was created four years ago. Even though it feels like I haven't posted anything in two years (I think this is actually accurate), I'm still blown away. Lemme not lie - I'm not even sure if I can still write.

Stay with me ten minutes and lets find out together.

It's been a long time eh? So long. Some of you got married and had 5 kids since I last wrote. Some of you have added weight (and blamed it on the economy). Some of you have left your girlfriend to be chasing another person's girlfriend (who is chasing another person's boyfriend). Some of you have written Jamb four times. (I'm not judging you. Ok, maybe I am a little bit.). Some of you have changed jobs. Some of you are exactly where I left you.

I might as well make this post about change.

_____________________________

You know how some people are so eager to try something new?

CHIKE: Mummy, you know biscuit business is booming now.
MUMMY CHIKE: Ehn. What now happened to it?
CHIKE: I think I found my calling ma.
MUMMY CHIKE: As in how?
CHIKE: Biscuit, mummy. I want to leave Law and sell biscuit. I need to fulfil my calling.
MUMMY CHIKE: *pause* If you hear anybody calling you, please just shout 'Blood of Jesus.'
CHIKE: But mu...
MUMMY CHIKE: *shouts* I rebuke you Satan. That was not my agreement with God. *walks away from Chike and his calling*

And then there are others that absolutely hate change...

HABIBA: Kemi you don't have another shirt?
KEMI: I have
HABIBA: Change na.
KEMI: No.
HABIBA: But there's paint on your shirt.
KEMI: What if I change and then thunder will now strike.
HABIBA: Huh?
KEMI: Don't worry. You won't understand.


In truth, I can't exactly describe myself as an adventurous person. I don't want to visit monks in China. I don't want to skydive. I'm not sure I want to visit the ruins of Rome (I don't even know if there are ruins in Rome.). I don't want to hike for one week with a heavy backpack and connect with nature. I don't even like eating food I don't know.

ME: Please what is this green stuff?
THEM: Oh it's bologned skittled parma...
ME: Oh? Don't worry. I'm okay.
THEM: You haven't eaten in two days.
ME: My God will keep me.

However, even though I'm not very adventurous , I'm not afraid to try new things. Except skydiving. I can guarantee that I will not be doing that. Ever.

ME: *Jumps from plane.*
ME: *Faints*
PARACHUTE: I'm waiting for you.
ME: *wakes up*
ME: *sees self falling to ground.*
ME: *faints again*
PARACHUTE: Wyd?

I have definitely changed a lot in these many, many months. I have learned a lot of things, unlearned others. I have made decisions that have put me in trouble and I have done things I never thought I could pull off. Change will happen. It is inevitable. Even if you fast for 80 days and nights, change will happen. The only thing is that you will lose weight.

______________________________

A couple of months ago, my mum was really ill and I panicked. I honestly thought I was going to pass out, but then she passed out and I felt like if I passed out too then it would be a bit complicated. So I didn't. Now she makes jokes about it.

MUM: Simi please buy me a car?
ME: Maybe later.
MUM: I will faint oh.
ME: 😕

She's going to be 60 in two days. She still, for some reason, thinks she's 25.

MUM: I carried that big bag from the car.
ME: Why didn't you ask someone to help you?
MUM: I'm strong. I can do anything I like.
ME: Not really.
MUM: I'm going to the gym.

I'm grateful to God that she's ok now, and when she turns 60 on the 30th of May, she probably will still be 25 at heart.

PS: I intend to stay true to you Readalot. So help me God.


Yours Truly, Rantalot

BESTIE

Dear Readalot,

I've had people send me letters of utter displeasure at my long silence. Some of you have threatened to kidnap my brother and sell him to the highest bidder. Please, go ahead.

On a serious note though, please come and carry him.

I had been wondering what would be a good way to end this long hiatus. Then my mother happened.

Hoodies and Cookies

Dear Readalot,

Thank you for crying with me. All is well. Now, I'd like to make you smile with me again. Or at least, try.

***

I have been wondering if there are sins that God generally considers harmless. I mean the kind of stuff he would put in the not-really-a-sin department. You remember how Robin Hood would steal from rich people and give to the poor people? Nothing so dramatic.

I love you, Daddy...

Dear Readalot,

I have been putting off writing for quite a bit now. For the life of me, I had no idea that it would be the passing of my father that would bring me here. I should probably apologize in advance, because I doubt I have anything funny to say tonight.

Last night, I heard my mum scream. I love my mother to bits and I worry about her more than she worries about herself. So, I ran into her room to find out what could have happened.

She was on the phone. From her tone and gestures, I knew something bad had happened. However, I thought this bad thing had happened to someone else. I waited for her to be done with her call. Before I could ask what happened, she said; "Your daddy is dead."

I can't exactly recall the first few emotions that I felt. I only know that the earth seemed to spin a little.

My parents separated when I was nine years old. I stayed with my mum. For more than half my life, I wasn't really close to my dad. Life, in it's uncanny manner, made us drift apart.

When I was a kid, my dad spoilt us kids rotten. There was almost nothing he wouldn't do for his kids. He was a workaholic. Sadly, this was one of the things that did damage to my parents' marriage. But, undeniably, irrevocably, my father loved his children.

My father was not perfect. No one is, really.

But I didn't care. I don't care. Life throws so much bullshit at us. Sometimes, we catch it and throw it right back. Other times, it hits us and throws us down and bruises us. It bruised my daddy. It hurts me so much that it did.

I'm probably babbling a lot. What I'm trying to say is that I loved my daddy. Very much. I'm sorry for all the times I could have been a better daughter and I wasn't. I'm just trying to make sure it's recorded somewhere. Here. That I love my daddy. And I know that he loved and loves me too.

            1948 -2014

Charles Oladele Ogunleye, you're in my heart….now…always. 

Yours truly, Simi.

PS: I found my brother's article this morning. 

http://rainbowspotholes.wordpress.com/2014/03/09/the-night-my-father-died/

A Nollywood Christmas

Dear Readalot,

It's either you had a really merry Christmas with fried rice, chicken and coca-cola. Or you spent the day watching Africa Magic with your mum and drinking garri and groundnut, because no one in your family could be bothered to cook.

Mandela...and others

Dear Readalot,


I'm not even sure when last I wrote you. I apologize. Small. Because you didn't ask of me.

Lagos, being Lagos, plenty has happened. Many, I have forgotten. Many, I don't care about. As you might have guessed, this will be one of those rant-about-pretty-much-anything days.

The Adventures Of A Fresh Babe

Dear Readalot,

So, I went to the dental clinic today. It was a visit that should have happened long ago because I needed to go fix something in one of my teeth.

I was apprehensive as heck. I don't like hospitals or the smell of them. Never have. Never will. Fortunately for me, a very nice student doctor was assigned to me. This is a big deal because, anytime a mean person attends to me in a hospital, I feel emotionally violated. 'Sick' people ought to be pampered. Spoiled. Doted on.

Which Daddy?

My mum has always been very very energetic. As far back as I can remember, she would wake up like 5am every other morning and exercise. I guess I used to enjoy watching her because I figured that if I watched her, I was automatically exercising too. Or something stupid like that.

Ebenezer Obey

Dear Readalot,

I had already started working on another post, but it bored me so I scratched it. Now, I have started on this one with absolutely no idea what I intend to write about.

I could start with the fact that I'm listening to some Ebenezer Obey. I find it kinda soothing.

Bayonsi

Dear Readalot,

I figured I should tell you a couple more tales before the month runs out.