The Hafengers

Almost on a daily basis, I see all these incredibly, amazingly astounding super-heores on TV. Saving America. Making a difference in Jand. When there’s about to be a nuclear blast, the center of the action is always New York, or Washington, or maybe London sef. But here in Naija…Nothing!!! No super ‘anytin’. We’re on our very own.

If you push someone off a five-storey building, the person will land, face first, because Superman won’t come. If trailer is coming at you and you have nowhere to run, it will jam you because there’s no Incredible Hulk to stop it. If somebody ties you with rope, there's no Wolverine with his knuckle-knives to come and cut it. Or even when you want to buy something and the igbo-guy selling it calls price for you, Professor Xavier won’t be there to help you read his mind and tell you whether he’s cheating you. The list goes on and on and on. We Nigerians are at a disadvantage without super-heroes.

The question then is this – Are Superman and co being unnecessarily unfair? I’ve thought long and hard about it. I have also discussed it at length with my not-so-imaginary friend, Kaptain Private and we have concluded that you can’t blame them. If I were a super-hero, I’d stay away from Nigeria too.

Imagine Batman wants to sharply go rescue someone in Ajah in his Batmobile, and he’s coming from Ikorodu. Before he reaches, the person would either have died or rescued himself. He’ll use one hour to battle potholes in Ikorodu. Police will stop him and ask why his windows are tinted. Okada will bump and scratch his ride. When he’s about to enter Island, they would have closed 3rd Mainland Bridge...etc.

Or say Thor wants to sharply break one armed-robbers head, he finds that someone has stolen the hammer. Yes. The same hammer that only Thor’s supposed to be able to carry. Naija boys will move that thing and nothing will happen.

Magneto, on the other hand, is jejeli performing his duties. He stretches his supernatural hand and calls all the metals to himself. Little does he know that almost everything is fake. When you’re calling silver and gold and it’s only fake fake Aba made things that are there. Aba made things don’t respond to anybody. Magneto would be a waste here.

Perhaps Iron Man wants to run from one bad guy. He jumps from the building and waits for his Iron man suit to come and meet him. Unfortunately, NEPA has taken light. There is no light to open the door for the suit. And Iron Man lands *SPLAT*. The End.

Superman won’t be able to fly, for all the Nepa Poles. He’ll keep getting tangled. And when he rescues someone and he’s flying to take them to a safe place; If he mistakenly flies over Benin, All those ‘birds’ will ‘un-rescue’ the person.

Spiderman nko? Is it buildings that are waiting to collapse he wants to be swinging from. Kaptain Private said Spidey will prolly have to operate Okada. Smh.

If Hulk uses too much power to jump on all these our badly done roads, He’ll end up underground. And then he, the superhero, will need rescuing.

You see how risky the super-hero business is in Naija? Why do you think no Nigerian has even invested in flying suits and such?

The only heroes we can boast of here are babalawos, witches and policemen…“The Hafengers”.

If the super heroes should even decide to come, I can only imagine the things Naija people will ask for -

“Mr Fantastic, I want to do my BIS oh. Abeg stretch hand and get money for me. Thank you, Sir.”

“Thor, see that girl snatched my boyfriend. Use your hammer and bury her for me.”

“Wolverine please help me give my child tribal mark. All three lines at a go.”

“Wonder Woman shey you’ll help me pose and trick my husband. I want to see if the idiot is cheating on me.”

Even kidnappers will start asking Superman to help them hide their victims in Mars.

If you were a superhero, would you come to Naija?
O_o

Yours truly, Rantalot.

Agberophobia

A few mornings ago, I, my sister, my sister-in-law, my mum and our guardian angels gathered for a quick gist/gossip session. Something came up that brought something else up, that brought something else up, that brought one gist I had kept somewhere at the back of my mind up. They had a good time laughing at me – Why shouldn’t you? :p

I used to have a phobia for agbero boys. To me, they were like the powers that be. They could do anything they wanted and get away with it. If they insulted you, you should thank them. Don’t look them in the eye. If they ask you for money, give them with a smile…and even then, don’t smile too wide. Call them ‘brother’ or ‘uncle’ if necessary. NOTE: It is ALWAYS necessary.

If you’re a regular visitor to The Rant Lot, you’ll remember I mentioned I grew up in one gangster area. I was walking in this gangster area one day, strolling by myself to go buy something or the other. On my way back home, a young man of average height stepped to me and pulled me back

“Baby.” He said. “Baby, wa now.” I looked at him. With his raggedy everything; I knew he was an agbero. Under normal circumstances, I would give the guy the evil eye, hiss and walk away. This, my brethren, was not a normal circumstance. An agbero was involved. So, I stopped and looked at him tentatively. “Sir?” I said, timidly. He looked me over and smiled. 

“Bawo ni? O ma fine gan.” He said.

“Ese Sir.” I replied and remained where I was standing. ‘He hadn’t released me’, I thought to myself.

This agbero, let’s call him Fearalot said he loved me and wanted me to be his girlfriend. I smiled politely and spent over an hour trying to explain to him that I had a boyfriend. I told him I really liked him and would have given him a chance but I was hooked. Fearalot said he doesn’t mind. He was completely willing to share me with my boyfriend. I stood there and listened to him try to convince me that he was the one for me. (If you can, picture me walking down the aisle with an agbero - *sigh*). In all that time, I was shaking with fear. I stayed, because I worried that he would find me at a later time and hurt me or maybe beat up my family -_-

At one point he asked me if he wasn’t good-looking enough. “Se mi o dun to ni?” He asked, pointing at himself. I looked him over, funny cloths and all and told him he was extremely handsome and that it wasn’t about that. After a while, I gathered a little courage and said I had to get back home, because my dad was waiting for me. He insisted he would follow me home. O_O Follow me home ke?? He walked with me until I was almost home. I let him walk with me.

Another Rule – Never tell an agbero not to walk with you if he wants to. However, I stopped and begged him to go back. I couldn’t afford to have all those guys I had been forming for in my area, see me with him.

Fearalot looked at me and asked how he would be sure that I would come see him like I had ‘promised’. I had this bandana on my hair that I had recently bought and was in love with. I took it off and gave it to him. Told him I would find him and come get it. Finally, he turned and left.

The fear of agbero is the beginning of idiocy (-_-)

Yours truly, Rantalot.